Darwin Jr. and the Evolution of the Doughnut

 

The Serial Slingshot Shooter and Joey Chestnut Soyadogs

Pull, aim and shoot!

Prince King did it better than anyone else. 

2472 broken windows

871 broken windshields

No human victims

The Serial Slingshot Shooter prevailed

He stirred a quiet neighbourhood like the stirring of a 

Pot of risotto

And they quivered like a Tremolo between notes

Waiting for the next aggression.

Prince King prevailed

The Serial Slingshot Shooter shot his pellets at all hours

For over a period of 12 years

After his arrest the court ordered that he stay 200 yards away from all his neighbours, 

Yet he would have needed to move to Alaska to fulfil that order. 

Theories about his motivation still abound.

Was he a slingshot shooter shot by an abusive parent?

Did he evolve from a peashooter sticking spitballs on the ceiling of his public school

To a crack window shatter-er

Who seemingly started his undertaking after retirement?

True, his job was a quality control manager for 

An elastic company

Making everything from rubber bands to 

Industrial belts for Harley Davidsons

Nothing drastic his coworkers said he wasn't enthusiastic 

But respected the stretch of rubber with a beady eye

When the police searched the 2 bedroom home of 

Prince King

They found an upside down picture of slingshot

A model showing a couple embracing

Was this part of his subterfuge? It worked: his neighbours thought he was a sweetheart

Only Prince lived alone... having lost his wife, his heart was in shambles.

After he died a kook put a sign in his lawn, it said:

"It' all about Joey Chestnut!"

A crazy conspiracy. Could the Serial Slingshot Shooter have been upset when 

Nathan's banned

Joey Chestnut

From the Hotdog contest

Because he decided to eat SOYADOGS?

Crazy,  but the mystery remains.

Darwin Jr. notes for a local play*

 

*A nod in this short play is given to Ionesco's Rhinoceros.

Scene one. 

We are in the woods of Montana and Darwin's grandson, Edwin, is working on his masterpiece, on the Origin of Doughnuts, 2.

With his binoculars, safari hat and coffee, he has a square toast that he cannot dunk properly into the coffee.Suddenly, a noise is heard and a giant White Rhino appears, running with 2 doughnuts on it horn. As it runs by, one of the doughnuts falls off its horn. Edwin Darwin is aghast and moves to examine the find.

"I can't believe it. "Doughnutus Taurus Popatum Maximumus" an early doughnut!

This specimen has likely travelled from the Euphrates river, making its way over the Atlantic in a skiff.

We have to take it to the lab." Darwin wraps up the doughnut and leaves.

Scene II

We are at the lab. Edwin Darwin is with his trusted assistant, Dr. Bagel. One of the audience will assist: the will have 3 signs: when they hold up A, the audience will say, "Well of all things", when they hold up B, they will say, "It's never too late" and when it's C, "Concentrate!".

Edwin Darwin: "Dr Bagel, have u ever seen such a specimen???"

Dr. Bagel: "It's fascinating, Dr Darwin. I can't believe we still have traces of cinnamon on its crust."

E.D. "This is a very evolved doughnut Dr. Bagel. Take note of its roundness, its symmetry."

D.B. I admit I have never seen such a rounded doughnut. It is so round I feel there must be a purpose for it.

E.D. I remember reading Egyptian scrolls and my grandfathers observations on the Gallapagos, which spoke about dunking take out coffee."

Telephone rings: Erwin Darwin, MS, MES, PHD, speaking?

E.D. What? A coffee,  doughnut, this is not a coffee shop, who are you?

Pause

E.D. A Rhinoceros? Are u joking? (E.D. hangs up.) Can u believe, speaking to D.B. that that was a Rhino on the line?

D.B. A prank, for sure.

E.D. Right, absolutely, now where were we?

D.B. We were talking about "Dunking take-out coffee? What could that mean?"

E.D. I have no idea.

D.B. And if it meant this? -D.B. takes Edwin's doughnut and dunks it in his coffee.

E.D. What did u do?

D.B. I just dunked your doughnut. (Silent narrator speaks: this it the first time a doughnut has been dunked for mankind! E.D. Breaks his doughnut in 2 and they both dunk and eat their doughnuts trying to talk about syllogisms with their mouths full.) "If there are no Rhinos in France, and Rhinos live on doughnuts, then there are no real doughnuts in France."

They talk over each other, repeating "dunking" and "no Rhinos" and "doughnuts". 

E.D. Let's get serious. This Doughnutus Taurus Popatum Maximumus, is one of a kind. In a TickTok post, dated 8th century BC, there was mention of serial slingshot shooter, Prince Raymond Rex.

D.B. Yes, of course, "Raymond the Rex".

E.D. Takes the Rhino doughnut and hangs it on the kiln. Then he back off, takes a slingshot and starts shooting paper balls through the hole.

Audience is invited to participate, and donut is made to swing. 

D.B. Dang. That's sick as hell!

E.D. According to Homer, Principus Raymond Rex was not only considered the first Queer King, but a great hunter. I hence stipulate that early Doughnuts were for target practice, for hunting.

D.B. And today we dunk!

Suddenly the giant Rhino reappears. It takes the doughnut and runs off

Suddenly the Rhino reappears, grabs the doughnut with its horn, and runs out to the street and out of sight. Dr. Bagel and Erwin Darwin, one carrying a spear and the other a butterfly net, run out in hot pursuit.

End of performance.

E.D. Let's follow it!

D.B. Careful Edwin, it has Bad Breath!

The brave 2 evolutionary researchers run out to the street and disappear into the horizon.

237 texts between a teenage Bagel and a Doughnut*

 *Inspired by Eric Clapton's love for Pattie Boyd and his son Layla.

** 237 is the average number of texts teens send to each other per day.

A bagel and a doughnut have met on social media only.

Dearest D,  (text #31, 7:20 am)

I wanted to say from the first day that I set eyes on you on Insta,  you were the one. Never have a touch such a soft, bouncy, dough ball, and with a hole in it!

Greasy but not too greasy, can expand, swell in size whilst dunked, your talents exceeds all my expectations! So dope!

Dear, Dear B (text #55, 8:58 am)

Thank you for your sweet words, so Gucci.

When my Uncle said I should marry a bagel I thought he was joking.

But when I imagined meeting u in Philadelphia, u were smiling at me, with that white, pure smear of cream cheese, gently smeared between your halves, looking at me with such pure sincerity that my donut walls were about to burst.

Beloved D, (text #74 10:17 am)

It seems like an eternity since we last spoke. TBH 237 text messages a day are just not enough. It all goes so fast. Send me more pictures, recount feeling of how it is to be dunked in hot coffee 100 times a day. Just because I'm a bagel doesn't mean that I won't understand.

Yours always,

Da Bagel

My "so sick Bagel", (text # 90, 11:10 am)

You make me out to be a hero, in text #158 you compared me to Beowulf

but you should know my skin is not as thick as his.  However, you, having had your

doughy self boiled and then backed, are a true warrior whose courage never ceases to impress me.

If I were a bagel, I would ride over the highest peaks, put myself at the disposal of shipwreck victims of the Titanic. You can do so with a wave of cream cheese, YOLO.

My only Doughnut, (text # 114, 11:53 am)

It has been a busy morning. One of my colleagues was insulted because a client said he was so hard that she called him a "Jurassic Bagel". People are so unforgiving these days. Do they even know, how, 60,000 years ago Bagels looked like? (Hint, we were not round.) I hope those who dunk you know what they have between their fingers.

Thinking of you always,

xo

BAY-GEL! (text #115, 11:54 am)

That is sooo insulting! But we get lots of attitude as well in this business. Once I had some nail varnish drip onto my cinnamon crust and I almost passed out. Know that however crusty you may be on the outside, I know you're all mush on the inside.

My sweetest Dough-Dough, (text #162, 2:05 pm)

Lunchtime just zapped by today. Texting you and smearing the creme cheese made the rush go by even smoother. How did I manage for so long not knowing that a doughnut soulmate was out there supporting me? My life was Vanilla.

Yours always, 

Big B

Big B (text #177, 2:58 pm)

I almost choked on my own doughnut because the last 23 texts were so emotional. No one has ever made me feel that way. I think when we meet I will let u roll on top of me, but just for a minute, I first want you to meet my parents before this gets more serious.

My only D (text #178, 2:59 pm)

Of course one minute would be even too much! Who do you think I am? I would never take advantage of you, but it would be nice to see if our holes align. Please, give me the names of your parents so I can write them a text.

My hot, fierce B-flame, (text #212, 4:17 pm)

I have had to take a little nappy, I was feeling dough-nutted out.

Dad is Morris and mom is Carmelita. They are both from Queens but mom

is from Columbia where they make Buñuelos, sweet like a doughnut but...

(text #213, 4:17 pm) I know Buñuelos, my friend from Honduras made them!

(text #214, 4:18 pm) Yes, but they're Columbian, way better!

My sprinkles from Paradise, (text 221, 4:56 pm)

It's so nice to talk about Buñuelos, my Doughnut Pie!

I will text your mom, we have sooo much in common, it's sick!

Sweet Bagel Aladin, (text 230, 6:21 pm)

Your text to mom was so dope she was on fire; had to get extinguisher.

She says she's ready to put u in the constitution, "Doughnuts love Bagels forever".

My curvaceous CEO, (tex 234, 7:40 pm)

Showed some pics to my FAM (had to flex a bit) and they all think you're dope.

Who would think a Bagel could love thee so? 

You and me in this tight Ship of love, (text 236, 8:15 pm)

Feeling crunked and high from Lovey Dovey Feel distracted like a housefly, in my mind's eye, Cupid has shot me in the thigh.

BFF Love Poet, (text 237, 8:57 pm)

Last text was sweeter than sweet. Parents take my phone at 9, Cringe! Text u tomorrow!

Ode to a Battery, a respectful nod to Keats' Bright Star

Bright cell, if I be only as charged as you!

U can shine in the middle of the night

AA, AAA, C and D, eternal battery, do not part, baby.

You are an electric non-perfumed bouquet

Bringing to life toys 'n Ex-citation

Some thinks a battery is like a Hermite, 

Shuttered in a dark, springy compartment

Yet u are nature's sleepless moonlit eye

On display

AAA,

How steadfast thou art!

You swell the hearts of young lovers

Sending surgical emojis 

With priestlike diligence

Never questioning the sweet unrest such

Messages may provoke

Always delivering until your Alkaline is

Sapped; your lithium an artefact 

If the Etna is a source of Energy Eternal

Blowing casual smoke rings in the style of 

Lauren Bacall 

You dissuade me not, Dear battery, 

With apparent blandness

You too are a force of nature that makes

Forests vibrate pure energy 

A double charge full of jeopardy 

You too

Resist the voltage that All wish to consume

Effortlessly, unselfishly

Zapping nervous dendrite endings

Sending those shocks during 

Cardiac arrest

Giving a second chance to All, 

Racists, Bigots, Humanitarians alike 

Yet today you are scoffed on Reddit and X

Given wicked looks 

Accused of overheating and creating fires

Charged for bringing down planes and burning babies

Dear battery

You mustn't stoop to such humiliation that

Alt Righters are calling for A "AA battery sitter" 

To oversee those idle rechargeable days 

While blowing smoke rings in the forest

Let your twilight years glow

Knowing an endless flow of eBikers and EVs

Await at your doorstep

Like a pack of hungry wolves

Awaiting one more charge.

Ancient ‘Dune’-like Sandworm Existed Far Longer Than Thought

Researchers examined fossils of the predatory worm and found a new species that persisted for 25 million years after it was believed to have become extinct.

Researchers found fossils of a new species of predatory worm that lived 480 million years ago, part of a group that was thought to have died out at the end of the Cambrian Explosion 25 million years earlier.Credit...Javier Ortega Hernández

By Jack Tamisiea

March 26, 2024

With a head covered in rows of curved spines, ancient Selkirkia worms could easily be confused with the razor-toothed sandworms that inhabit the deserts of Arrakis in “Dune: Part Two.”

During the Cambrian Explosion more than 500 million years ago, these weird worms — which lived inside long, cone-shaped tubes — were some of the most common predators on the seafloor.

“If you were a small invertebrate coming across them, it would have been your worst nightmare,” said Karma Nanglu, a paleontologist at Harvard. “It’s like being engulfed by a conveyor belt of fangs and teeth.”

Thankfully for would-be spice harvesters, these ravenous worms disappeared hundreds of million years ago. But a trove of recently analyzed fossils from Morocco reveals that these formidable predators measuring only an inch or two in length, persisted much longer than previously thought.

Breaking News: Italian Intercontinental Spaghetti missile misses Salt lake City and covers Great Lake with Salty Pasta

A barrage of missiles and drones launched from Italy over the continental United States avoided radar and mostly hit their designated targets.

 

Italian Prime minister Giorgia Melloni, at a spontaneous news conference, asked for her audience to listen carefully: "Our most prestigious brand, Genio della Pizza, was accused of using grated plastic instead of mozzarella cheese, and without evidence, their products were removed from shelves and banned. Despite official protests, the FDA has maintained its position. The Italian government will have no more of this, and we have taken our own measures to retaliate against this unfair sanction." 

The reaction was unprecedented. 3 missiles, one with ricotta cheese, one with ravioli and one with tomato sauce hit the outskirts of Los Angeles -Skid Row in Central city to be precise- and furnished thousands of hot dishes to unassuming, sleepy homeless residents. (The attack occurred at 3am.) 

Humbolt Park in Chicago was also peppered by drones providing shredded Roman marinated artichokes and pizza wrapped in a wrap. In New York, Hamilton Fish Park in the lower East Side received tubes of risotto and asparagus in a puttanesca sauce doused with white wine.

This is still breaking news and we cannot confirm if other cities have been victims of this audacious attack, but in Salt Lake City, there is news of missiles that missed their targets and landed in the Great Lake, rendering hundreds of kilos of spaghetti alla marinara so salty it was inedible. 

President Biden has stated that this is an uncalled for escalation and Italy shall pay a price. A war cabinet meeting is taking place at this time.

There is a consensus with Military experts who believe we should not be surprised if major Italian cities shall be hammered with doughnuts and bagels and possibly hailed with expired marshmallows that could render streets sticky and unfit for driving.

Dialogue between two Italian puddles

 A Roman and Milanese puddle have an early March talk. They have known each other for some time.

Roman Puddle: Hey, I heard you've had more rain since Hannibal crossed the Alps.

Milan Puddle: You're not kidding. The city's drains are so stuffed that even if it stopped raining I could be                                       puddling for weeks.

RP: You in heaven! I remember when I was puddling under Romulus and Remus, everyone walked around us, even the children, you know why?

MP: No

RP: The puddle was white, white with milk.

MP: Of course, ma certo!

RP: If you remember, my puddle is just at the base of the aqueduct, at Piazza Maggiore. Everyday dozens of ancient trams screech by me, and there's this newspaper vendor who sweeps me dry every morning while whistling some tune about a boat.

MP: Yes, I remember you telling me about the whistler. I'm at the exit of the main train station, where hundreds of tourists discard their used tickets to the point where I look like a floating lily pond of tickets. 

RP: Pity there are no frogs.

MP: Very funny. My Milan puddle pals call me "Gunk".

RP: Gunk with an accent on the U. Goonk!  Ah ah ha!

MP: Ha! You remember the puddle from Geneva, when Frankenstein the monster saw it's reflection for the first time in that clean, Swiss, puddle, it took the joy out of its heart.

RP: It wasn't a Narcissus moment, that's for sure.

MP: The monster would't have seen much if he were looking at my puddle.

RP: Ripple. * (Ripple is an expression used by puddles to express agreement.)

MP I also remember 700 years ago, in the day of Dante, there was the puddle from Ravenna that was bragging it always had 9 rings going around it.

RP: You serious? How could you control something like that?

MP: Divine intervention, I guess.

RP: A puddle in Hell, Purgatory and

MP: Pahradizeoo! (Accentuating its Milanese accent.)

RP. That's la divinitá for sure, which reminds me of Oppenheimer.

MP: Oppen-who?

RP: Heimer. If you look at th beginning of the film, you'll notice it starts with a puddle and you see

MP: Concentric rings moving ...

RP: How do you know?

MP: What makes a puddle puddle?

RP: So sage, to get to the point, yeh, the puddle ripples.

MP: And you're going to tell me why.

RP: The ripples are like nuclear shock waves, get it?

MP: Dang!

RP: You remember Chernobyl?

MP: Never forget.

RP: The radioactive rain, we were

Together: GLOWING AT NIGHT!

The two puddles remain silent for a while.

MP: I heard they're cleaning the drains in Rome, is that true?

RP: Yes, it is.

MP: Are you ever tempted at night to go stuff them?

RP: Without proper papers? You want to corrupt me?

MP: Just saying, our drains in Milan are all good, in puddlespeak of course. I have contacts, you know.

RP: You have contacts?

MP: We've been friends for a long time. I do you a favour, you do me a favour.

RP: Ok, I get it, but what can I do for you?

MP: Not sure, maybe something to do with Leonardo. I have to puddle it over and get back to you.

RP: Listen, I can't hear you anymore, this huge cloud -most likely from the north- is unloading more rain than a cargo ship. Talk to you soon, hey, Milan Puddle, you hear?