237 texts between a teenage Bagel and a Donut*

 *Inspired by Eric Clapton's love for Pattie Boyd and his son Layla.

** 237 is the average number of texts teens send to each other per day.

A bagel and a doughnut have met on social media only.

Dearest D,  (text #31, 7:20 am)

I wanted to say from the first day that I set eyes on you on Insta,  you were the one. Never have a touch such a soft, bouncy, dough ball, and with a hole in it!

Greasy but not too greasy, can expand, swell in size whilst dunked, your talents exceeds all my expectations! So dope!

Dear, Dear B (text #55, 8:58 am)

Thank you for your sweet words, so Gucci.

When my Uncle said I should marry a bagel I thought he was joking.

But when I imagined meeting u in Philadelphia, u were smiling at me, with that white, pure smear of cream cheese, gently smeared between your halves, looking at me with such pure sincerity that my donut walls were about to burst.

Beloved D, (text #74 10:17 am)

It seems like an eternity since we last spoke. TBH 237 text messages a day are just not enough. It all goes so fast. Send me more pictures, recount feeling of how it is to be dunked in hot coffee 100 times a day. Just because I'm a bagel doesn't mean that I won't understand.

Yours always,

Da Bagel

My "so sick Bagel", (text # 90, 11:10 am)

You make me out to be a hero, in text #158 you compared me to Beowulf

but you should know my skin is not as thick as his.  However, you, having had your

doughy self boiled and then backed, are a true warrior whose courage never ceases to impress me.

If I were a bagel, I would ride over the highest peaks, put myself at the disposal of shipwreck victims of the Titanic. You can do so with a wave of cream cheese, YOLO.

My only Doughnut, (text # 114, 11:53 am)

It has been a busy morning. One of my colleagues was insulted because a client said he was so hard that she called him a "Jurassic Bagel". People are so unforgiving these days. Do they even know, how, 60,000 years ago Bagels looked like? (Hint, we were not round.) I hope those who dunk you know what they have between their fingers.

Thinking of you always,

xo

BAY-GEL! (text #115, 11:54 am)

That is sooo insulting! But we get lots of attitude as well in this business. Once I had some nail varnish drip onto my cinnamon crust and I almost passed out. Know that however crusty you may be on the outside, I know you're all mush on the inside.

My sweetest Dough-Dough, (text #162, 2:05 pm)

Lunchtime just zapped by today. Texting you and smearing the creme cheese made the rush go by even smoother. How did I manage for so long not knowing that a doughnut soulmate was out there supporting me? My life was Vanilla.

Yours always, 

Big B

Big B (text #177, 2:58 pm)

I almost choked on my own doughnut because the last 23 texts were so emotional. No one has ever made me feel that way. I think when we meet I will let u roll on top of me, but just for a minute, I first want you to meet my parents before this gets more serious.

My only D (text #178, 2:59 pm)

Of course one minute would be even too much! Who do you think I am? I would never take advantage of you, but it would be nice to see if our holes align. Please, give me the names of your parents so I can write them a text.

My hot, fierce B-flame, (text #212, 4:17 pm)

I have had to take a little nappy, I was feeling dough-nutted out.

Dad is Morris and mom is Carmelita. They are both from Queens but mom

is from Columbia where they make Buñuelos, sweet like a doughnut but...

(text #213, 4:17 pm) I know Buñuelos, my friend from Honduras made them!

(text #214, 4:18 pm) Yes, but they're Columbian, way better!

My sprinkles from Paradise, (text 221, 4:56 pm)

It's so nice to talk about Buñuelos, my Doughnut Pie!

I will text your mom, we have sooo much in common, it's sick!

Sweet Bagel Aladin, (text 230, 6:21 pm)

Your text to mom was so dope she was on fire; had to get extinguisher.

She says she's ready to put u in the constitution, "Doughnuts love Bagels forever".

My curvaceous CEO, (tex 234, 7:40 pm)

Showed some pics to my FAM (had to flex a bit) and they all think you're dope.

Who would think a Bagel could love thee so? 

You and me in this tight Ship of love, (text 236, 8:15 pm)

Feeling crunked and high from Lovey Dovey Feel distracted like a housefly, in my mind's eye, Cupid has shot me in the thigh.

BFF Love Poet, (text 237, 8:57 pm)

Last text was sweeter than sweet. Parents take my phone at 9, Cringe! Text u tomorrow!

Ode to a Battery, a respectful nod to Keats' Bright Star

Bright cell, if I be only as charged as you!

U can shine in the middle of the night

AA, AAA, C and D, eternal battery, do not part, baby.

You are an electric bouquet

Bringing to life toys 'n Ex-citation

Some thinks a battery is like a Hermite, 

Shuttered in a dark, springy compartment

Yet u are nature's sleepless moonlit eye

On display

AAA,

How steadfast thou art!

You swell the hearts of young lovers

Sending surgical emojis 

With priestlike diligence

Never questioning the sweet unrest such

Messages may provoke

Always delivering until your Alkaline is

Sapped; your lithium an artefact 

If the Etna is a source of Energy Eternal

Blowing casual smoke rings in the style of 

Lauren Bacall 

You dissuade me not, Dear battery, 

With apparent blandness

You too are a force of nature that makes

Forests vibrate pure energy

You too

Resist the voltage that All wish to consume

Effortlessly, unselfishly

Zapping nervous dendrite endings

Sending those shocks during 

Cardiac arrest

Giving a second chance to All, 

Racists, Bigots, Humanitarians alike 

Yet today you are scoffed on Reddit and X

Given wicked looks 

Accused of overheating and creating fires

Charged for bringing down planes and burning babies

Dear battery

You mustn't stoop to such humiliation that

A "battery sitter" is called for

To oversee your idle rechargeable days 

While blowing smoke rings in the forest

Let your twilight years glow

Knowing an endless flow of eBikers and EVs

Await at your doorstep

Like a pack of hungry wolves

Awaiting one more charge.

Ancient ‘Dune’-like Sandworm Existed Far Longer Than Thought

Researchers examined fossils of the predatory worm and found a new species that persisted for 25 million years after it was believed to have become extinct.

Researchers found fossils of a new species of predatory worm that lived 480 million years ago, part of a group that was thought to have died out at the end of the Cambrian Explosion 25 million years earlier.Credit...Javier Ortega Hernández

By Jack Tamisiea

March 26, 2024

With a head covered in rows of curved spines, ancient Selkirkia worms could easily be confused with the razor-toothed sandworms that inhabit the deserts of Arrakis in “Dune: Part Two.”

During the Cambrian Explosion more than 500 million years ago, these weird worms — which lived inside long, cone-shaped tubes — were some of the most common predators on the seafloor.

“If you were a small invertebrate coming across them, it would have been your worst nightmare,” said Karma Nanglu, a paleontologist at Harvard. “It’s like being engulfed by a conveyor belt of fangs and teeth.”

Thankfully for would-be spice harvesters, these ravenous worms disappeared hundreds of million years ago. But a trove of recently analyzed fossils from Morocco reveals that these formidable predators measuring only an inch or two in length, persisted much longer than previously thought.

Breaking News: Italian Intercontinental Spaghetti missile misses Salt lake City and covers Great Lake with Salty Pasta

A barrage of missiles and drones launched from Italy over the continental United States avoided radar and mostly hit their designated targets.

 

Italian Prime minister Giorgia Melloni, at a spontaneous news conference, asked for her audience to listen carefully: "Our most prestigious brand, Genio della Pizza, was accused of using grated plastic instead of mozzarella cheese, and without evidence, their products were removed from shelves and banned. Despite official protests, the FDA has maintained its position. The Italian government will have no more of this, and we have taken our own measures to retaliate against this unfair sanction." 

The reaction was unprecedented. 3 missiles, one with ricotta cheese, one with ravioli and one with tomato sauce hit the outskirts of Los Angeles -Skid Row in Central city to be precise- and furnished thousands of hot dishes to unassuming, sleepy homeless residents. (The attack occurred at 3am.) 

Humbolt Park in Chicago was also peppered by drones providing shredded Roman marinated artichokes and pizza wrapped in a wrap. In New York, Hamilton Fish Park in the lower East Side received tubes of risotto and asparagus in a puttanesca sauce doused with white wine.

This is still breaking news and we cannot confirm if other cities have been victims of this audacious attack, but in Salt Lake City, there is news of missiles that missed their targets and landed in the Great Lake, rendering hundreds of kilos of spaghetti alla marinara so salty it was inedible. 

President Biden has stated that this is an uncalled for escalation and Italy shall pay a price. A war cabinet meeting is taking place at this time.

There is a consensus with Military experts who believe we should not be surprised if major Italian cities shall be hammered with doughnuts and bagels and possibly hailed with expired marshmallows that could render streets sticky and unfit for driving.