My title is ZSC, or Zoom spit controller.
I review and certify 72 to 80 spit tests a day
After 3 years of doing PCR nose swipes I was glad to be
Offered this promotion
After all, my fingers started stiffening from tendonitis
Turning the swabs 3 times to the left and then
3 times to the right
(My first week I got slapped on the wrist for doing a swirl)
I tested so many noses I got callouses on my fingertips.
Today, in my executive chair I proudly sit with a virtual
Backdrop of 3,000 vials full of spit
It's a technique to encourage and give impetus to my
Client-droolers
(We prefer spit over drool, if you ask.)
The virtual moments we share
Are a sign of due diligence, scientific compliance and trust
There have been times a client over-spits
Ejects a loose tooth into the vial or
Under-spits, which is the worst.
Being at times thousands of miles away I cannot even offer my tweezer
To recover that tooth
"Just mail its in and we'll send you a picture from the lab" I chime, trying to smile and
hide my own crooked teeth.
Vivaldi, Bob Dylan, Cardi B, you name it, music helps the spittle flow!
I got such good results from the Beastie Boys I sent the negative results to all my family.
It's a work of pride and its got me to appreciate
Young people who spit in the street or
Dogs drooling at the table or
Saliva discharging from an angry person's mouth.
Everyday now I consider a precious day, and
Spitting in my spittoon makes me feel like Kobe Bryant,
Going for the swish, or a WWII pilot dropping bombs from a Spitfire.
What's essential is that today I'm no longer spitting in the wind
I get emails from clients who thank me, sometimes years later.
And tomorrow I'm flying to Haifa for a personal spit test with a client
Who has green saliva so I'm bringing her a box of Godiva.
