A barrage of missiles and drones launched from Italy over the continental United States avoided radar and mostly hit their designated targets.
Italian Prime minister Giorgia Melloni, at a spontaneous news conference, asked for her audience to listen carefully: "Our most prestigious brand, Genio della Pizza, was accused of using grated plastic instead of mozzarella cheese, and without evidence, their products were removed from shelves and banned. Despite official protests, the FDA has maintained its position. The Italian government will have no more of this, and we have taken our own measures to retaliate against this unfair sanction."
The reaction was unprecedented. 3 missiles, one with ricotta cheese, one with ravioli and one with tomato sauce hit the outskirts of Los Angeles
-Skid Row in Central city to be precise- and furnished thousands of hot dishes to unassuming, sleepy homeless residents. (The attack occurred at 3am.)
Humbolt Park in Chicago was also peppered by drones providing shredded Roman marinated artichokes and pizza wrapped in a wrap.
In New York, Hamilton Fish Park in the lower East Side received tubes of risotto and asparagus in a puttanesca sauce doused with white wine.
This is still breaking news and we cannot confirm if other cities have been victims of this audacious attack, but in Salt Lake City, there is news of missiles that missed their targets and landed in the Great Lake, rendering hundreds of kilos of spaghetti alla marinara so salty it was inedible.
President Biden has stated that this is an uncalled for escalation and Italy shall pay a price. A war cabinet meeting is taking place at this time.
There is a consensus with Military experts who believe we should not be surprised if major Italian cities shall be hammered with
doughnuts and bagels and possibly hailed with expired marshmallows that could render streets sticky and unfit for driving.
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