A modern Darwin*

 

*A nod in this short play is given to Ionesco's Rhinoceros.

Scene one. 

We are in the woods of Montana and Darwin's grandson, Edwin, is working on his masterpiece, on the Origin of Doughnuts, 2.

With his binoculars, safari hat and coffee, he has a square toast that he cannot dunk properly into the coffee.Suddenly, a noise is heard and a giant White Rhino appears, running with 2 doughnuts on it horn. As it runs by, one of the doughnuts falls off its horn. Edwin Darwin is aghast and moves to examine the find.

"I can't believe it. "Doughnutus Taurus Popatum Maximumus" an early doughnut!

This specimen has likely travelled from the Euphrates river, making its way over the Atlantic in a skiff.

We have to take it to the lab." Darwin wraps up the doughnut and leaves.

Scene II

We are at the lab. Edwin Darwin is with his trusted assistant, Dr. Bagel. One of the audience will assist: the will have 3 signs: when they hold up A, the audience will say, "Well of all things", when they hold up B, they will say, "It's never too late" and when it's C, "Concentrate!".

Edwin Darwin: "Dr Bagel, have u ever seen such a specimen???"

Dr. Bagel: "It's fascinating, Dr Darwin. I can't believe we still have traces of cinnamon on its crust."

E.D. "This is a very evolved doughnut Dr. Bagel. Take note of its roundness, its symmetry."

D.B. I admit I have never seen such a rounded doughnut. It is so round I feel there must be a purpose for it.

E.D. I remember reading Egyptian scrolls and my grandfathers observations on the Gallapagos, which spoke about dunking take out coffee."

Telephone rings: Erwin Darwin, MS, MES, PHD, speaking?

E.D. What? A coffee,  doughnut, this is not a coffee shop, who are you?

Pause

E.D. A Rhinoceros? Are u joking? (E.D. hangs up.) Can u believe, speaking to D.B. that that was a Rhino on the line?

D.B. A prank, for sure.

E.D. Right, absolutely, now where were we?

D.B. We were talking about "Dunking take-out coffee? What could that mean?"

E.D. I have no idea.

D.B. And if it meant this? -D.B. takes Edwin's doughnut and dunks it in his coffee.

E.D. What did u do?

D.B. I just dunked your doughnut. (Silent narrator speaks: this it the first time a doughnut has been dunked for mankind! E.D. Breaks his doughnut in 2 and they both dunk and eat their doughnuts trying to talk about syllogisms with their mouths full.) "If there are no Rhinos in France, and Rhinos live on doughnuts, then there are no real doughnuts in France."

They talk over each other, repeating "dunking" and "no Rhinos" and "doughnuts". 

E.D. Let's get serious. This Doughnutus Taurus Popatum Maximumus, is one of a kind. In a TickTok post, dated 8th century BC, there was mention of serial slingshot shooter, Prince Raymond Rex.

D.B. Yes, of course, "Raymond the Rex".

E.D. Takes the Rhino doughnut and hangs it on the kiln. Then he back off, takes a slingshot and starts shooting paper balls through the hole.

Audience is invited to participate, and donut is made to swing. 

D.B. Dang. That's sick as hell!

E.D. According to Homer, Principus Raymond Rex was not only considered the first Queer King, but a great hunter. I hence stipulate that early Doughnuts were for target practice, for hunting.

D.B. And today we dunk!

Suddenly the giant Rhino reappears. It takes the doughnut and runs off

Suddenly the Rhino reappears, grabs the doughnut with its horn, and runs out to the street and out of sight. Dr. Bagel and Erwin Darwin, one carrying a spear and the other a butterfly net, run out in hot pursuit.

End of performance.

E.D. Let's follow it!

D.B. Careful Edwin, it has Bad Breath!

The brave 2 evolutionary researchers run out to the street and disappear into the horizon.