Donuts in the Wilderness by Stephan Gould Lang Jr.

 

Donuts in the Wildernes

The raindrops approached with great speed and violence rendering

Leaves, branches sodden

A patch of moss made the sound of a sponge whilst a wild boar 

Stepped into it. 

The temperature with the opaque clouds shuttering the light

Struggled to climb above 0.

Suddenly a rhinoceros ran through a small meadow, with a swipe

It picked up 3 donuts with its horn and ran off.

It was most likely a batch of glazed donuts but one could not rule out 

Jelly donuts as they have been sighted as far as the Serengeti and 

Darwin wrote in "Origins, Donut Holes and Survival" that they were spotted

On the Galapagos islands.

"It was clearly a jelly donut, and I had never seen one with such a rounded hole in

all my travels. The Komodo Dragaon lizard had eaten at least a dozen, however nothing

excluded a Baker's dozen. I could barely catch my breath seeing so many donuts in one place,but

when the lizard ran off, I observed a drop of jelly on a slab of volcanic basalt." 

September 15, 1835.

I was tempted to run out from my observation post to collect possible crumbs left by the 

Rhino, when I heard the cry of a bird of prey, not too high above the forest canopy. 

Had it sighted another glazed donut? Would I be treated with another rare event in the 

Wilderness? 

Unfortunately my Pixel watch pinged me, it was time for my coffee break. I stopped 

Recording and reached into my bag, pulling out my take-out coffee that was only lukewarm.

When you are a naturalist, such sacrifices go with the terrain.

Carbirds and mirrors

Ford Falcon Carbird

Carbirds are known to warm up their engines in the morning. If a opossum or rodent is trying to get under the hood of a nearby Carbird in the parking lot, its loud horn will go off, chasing it away and also protecting others parked nearby. But when the opossum approaches the Carbird closely, it  will remain silent to avoid detection. 

Recently, a group of scientists wanted to investigate weather Carbirds recognise their own reflections. They placed a mirror and drew a round pink circle around the eye of the catbird. 

(Earlier experiments proved that Carbirds recognise their motor's noise: this was proven by sticking a potato into the exhaust pipe, which made them innocuous to any approaching danger.)

When a Carbird was placed in a room with another Carbird and an opossum approached, it sounded off its horn. But when it was in the room alone with a mirror, looking at its reflection, it stayed silent, presumably because it recognised itself even with a pink circle around its eye.

The research is critical as we hope to learn how humans may also warn other humans of oncoming danger. In a number of recent shootings, for example, humans seem attracted to guns rather than being repelled by them. In addition, it is likely that we don't recognise ourselves as being in danger, and more studies are needed to see whether, at the sight of our own reflections, we are able to discern a real danger and or a danger for our neighbours.

For those owning a Carbird, Beneton and Dolce Gabana recently joined forces to create an effective Critter Spray, especially for older Carbirds from 1955 to 80. 

 

The Forced Kiss. A dialogue between 3 WWI poets.

 

Robert Graves, Siegfried Sassoon and Wilfred Owen are in a wooded park in Sussex, sitting at a picnic table.

RG: Ever since Luis Rubiales kissed Jenni Hermoso I can't sleep a wink!

SS: My dear Robert, what's happening to you? You're lugubrious.

RG: It wasn't a Kiss in the Garden of Eden, even though a slithery snake was most likely behind it. It was a Kiss out of WWI trenches, a Kiss that shook the clouds, that made lips turn to frost and then to fire, do you get what I mean?

WO: By, by right you are Robert! Had Rubiales first washed his feet before approaching the 23 World Cup Squad, I might have felt an iota of veneration towards his hopity hopity overzealous, oversexed expression  of joy. You know he closely hugged four players before getting to Hermoso?

SS: Who cares about veneration? You know, for me the Kiss is the steel barrel. More kisses, less rust. Rubiales is just keeping his lips from getting rusty.

RG: You blundering corny head of a mop stick! Go vacuum your pool of impurities and then get back to me. 

SS: Hermoso is being a sycophant you fool.  She wants it all. The Gold Medal, the fame, the star appeal.

WO: I need to un-cling my lips from this discussion. Is Rubiales an Adam or Satan? Is Hermoso Eve or a She-Devil? 

SS: She's Barbie gone devil, ha, ha!

RG: Your insensitivity is climbing out of the trenches faster than a parasite worm crawls up my intestines.

SS: You might as well chop off a lump of your intestines, Robert, you have seen the Kiss of Death, and Hermoso was part of it.

WO: Are you sure Siegfried? Did you not see how Rubiales cleverly picked up his legs after the kiss?

SS: What are you talking about? That was Hermoso who picked him up!

WO: That's what he intended the World to think. What really happened is that he lifted his legs...

RG: Making it look like Hermoso lifted him. The scum.

SS: I grant you it's an interesting hypothesis, yet hard to prove. I still think the Kiss was fair.

RG: "Alls fair in Love and War." I don't buy it. Next thing you'll say is the Ancient Mariner killed the Albatross out of love. Hermoso, like her name, is a beauty that Rubiales could not resist. He used his position to grab her with both hands and kiss her like a potato. 

WO: A potato? You mean like an eggplant?

RG: A potato. At that moment Satan roiled with envy.

SS: (A pretty girls walks by and Siegfried catcalls.) Yo, meow, meow, bitch, what's up?

RG: Siegfried, are you on fentanyl again?

WO: His lips have rusted from un-kissing.

It's a listicle world

Today I'm feeling "sophistical"

So I want to talk about my listicle

Not just any list it's

A majestical listicle far from anything domestical

If you think you got up in the morning and you missed

A tryst

Because you forgot to jot down

"Serpent that hissed"

On the same list that Toad and Frog had used 

40 years ago

That blew away in the wind

A list so rare that thousands of years ago in Lasco

Amongst dripping stalactites and

Mega-marvelous drawings

An artist forgot to jot down how many tusks

A  mammouth could tusk?

On my listicle I want a friendship with a twist that

One cannot resist like

A seat belt that fastens when

You first get on the plane

A list that will include:

The best colors for harmony

The 10 best ways to clean snow off a windshield 

The most disturbing uses of bird imagery in Shakespeare

The happiest city in the most miserable climate

The unlikeliest mirror distortion in a house of mirrors

The most appreciated teddy bear that

Has been given to a child  that has it all.

The best review for a restaurant that has not yet opened

The most female-oriented engineering school with the most

Male-oriented financial aid

A list providing emotional experiences whilst walking 

Barefoot over sandy rocks

And not to forget the Rafaello's commissioned list of paintings from 

Pope Julius the II to paint the 4 Papal rooms in any order

Or lastly

Whilst trying to get a glimpse of a Jim Dine artwork at  the 

Venice Bienale, a list that would give one 3 one liners to explain

to a Finnish and Columbian couple that 

Their crunching and discarding of peanut shells on the floor of 

The Arsenal

Is wholly inappropriate 

Regardless of the fact that they bought the bag of peanuts in a

Finnish Superette

ON SALE

 Marked "Georgia Peanuts" in large blue letters.

The couple should expeditiously place the peanuts in a backpack

Strapped around the Front of the belly to avoid security issues 

In a precious and crowded artspace. 

With such a list, I may start my day

I shall paint my list as Coleridge painted his listless ship in the Mariner

So that the wind may not blow it away.

The Leak

Ancient Greeks said that Aristotle's Paradox was indeed a leak from Plato's theory of 

Universal Form

Despite the fact Aristotle's toga revealed a few drops here and there 

It was all he could bear 

Since the median path to Virtue 

Included insufficiency and mastery

Centuries of calculating the speed of the outer and inner circle in motion

A doughnut or a bagel perpetually rolling

Until it splashed into a sea of coffee and became a lifesaver

From the Antarctic to Mozambique 

Humans leak, drip, sputter

Vastly classified secrets 

From murder to espionage to gossip

Impossible to be covered up by leakproof diapers carrying manly names such as

Confidence, Faith, or Certainty

(Whereas Niagara, Yosemite, Congo, Euphrates or Mississippi would 

Better fit into the Aristotelian dialectic) 

"A few leaks is virtuous still, eternum."

When Lisa Nowak drove 900 miles to attack Coleen Shipman

The former astronaut donned such leakproof diapers

Labeled "Challenger"

She succeeded in pepper-spraying her rival lover

Only her career from then on spiralled 

And all her achievements spilled down the drain.

We love leaks, whether romantique or politique

They often reveal a doublespeak

Classified intel is hoarded by a former President 

Like a child hoarding its favourite toys

"Hey boys, this Intel gotta spice Zombies in Kentucky"

Said the former 21 year old Massachusetts Airmen known as "Texkilledyou" 

His Thug Shaker Central gaming group of teenagers were impressed with the novel expansion 

This group of teens splished in a puddle of secrete documents and 

Innocuously sploshed the intel around the globe

Damaging military and state strategic planning to many

And yet must we not consider the Airmen is virtuous because he is no spy

Nor did he seek financial gains

Nothing as serious as Watergate, Irangate, and Partygate

Just a bunch of virtual Zombies running around Kentucky that could never be killed

Hey, Aristotle, has anyone got a diaper?

Digital Nursury Rhyme

For the want of a battery

A remote control was lost

For the want of an ipencil

An iPad was lost

For the want of an USB shtick

A computer was lost

For the want of an Austin Martin

A driver was lost

For the want of a Dictator

A Democracy was lost

And all for the want of 

A microchip factory.

The Third Coming

 This poem pays hommage to William Butler Yeats

A Falconer, Newton and Snoop Dogg are having a talk at a falconer show in front of a food truck.

The falcon cannot hear the falconer

"Ring-up ya screamer!"

And the majestic bird releasing its claws from the gloved hand

Rose with the air

Fixing its eyes on a cloud veiling the Sun then veering left when

Things fell apart; the centre could not hold

Snoop Dogg: "Hey Newton" what were you copying from Leonardo?"

Newton: "Give me a break, all he did was make a doodle 

On a page with the rain falling diagonally. My Apple

Fell straight down!"

Snoop Dogg: "Ya gotta look back to go forward.

Them Leonardo rain drops came 

Before your apple thunked your head."

The Falconer: (looking worriedly at a Falcon App on his phone) "Kack-Kack-Kack-Kack! 

Dear, dear, don't fly away from the anarchy of this world!"

"And what went down with Galileo 

Dropping the Bomb from the Tower of Pisa, ain't that right Newton?"

Newton: "Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo Figaro Magnificooo"

"Can you spread some extra Mayo on 

That eggplant tomatillo?" sang along Snoop

The Falconer, also looking at the Food Truck Guy with

Conviction and passionate intensity 

"You can Second me on that Eggplant mayo tomatillo"

A "Boom" was heard, some thought it was an explosion

Everyone looked up as the Goshawk punctured a balloon

Floating high above

Suspended now

Dropping

Tufts of sheepy cotton bits

Responding to Gravity

Falling into the nearby Sea.

"Do you want a drink with that?" asked the 

Food Truck Guy, craning his neck towards 

The hullabaloo 

"I'll have a beer without any gluten" said Newton

"Just a cup of icy Tap, long as it's crystal clear" purred Dogg

Kack-Kack-Kack-Kack! This time it was the Falcon, not the Trainer

Surely some revelation is at hand

Surely the Second Coming is at hand

Some white fluffy bits are still falling

Newton: "You are treating me like a floundering 

Monkey. There's more Science in me than Sing-Song in you."

Snoop Dogg: "I say Galileo dropped cannon balls and wood

One century before your Apple, Dude."

"And the Tower of Pisa was standing straight" smirked Newton

"Kack-Kack-Kack-Kack!"

 this time it was the Falconer 

His eyes became red

A tail crept out from his pants whose contours 

Took on a female silhouette 

Even Cardi-B 

Wouldn't miss doing a double take -soak in a visual detour

Like a saturated sponge thirsting for the horror of the next drought!

"I am the Chimera" the words sizzled off what was

The Falconer's tongue

With a gaze blank and pitiless as the sun

And darkness drops again

Spiritus Mundi 

Goody two shoes Burundi

The falcon vanished and bats appeared

Fluttering with the Moon as a backdrop 

That just kept on going.

"The Moon lost its Gravity" cried Newton,

"Soon the Oceans will no longer stick to the bottom."

"It's the 3rd Coming!" shouted Snoop,

Chewing and Sucking on his Eggplant Tomatillo with Mayo

"Hey Beast" he continued, pointing with his long fingers,

"Bethlehem is wayway. If you're looking for sinn

Doomsday is thataway."

Cover your mouth

Frauline Meow loved eating

And also covering her mouth

But with each delightful chew

Her expression went South

You would think she would enjoy eating behind

A curtain or some blinds, shades, shutters

Yet Frauline Meow just covered her muzzle with

Her hand to block all sputters

One wondered, if she was once "sput" or the "sputee"

Was it the inner or outer fear from those cavernous jaws 

That would push her to consider sewing  a square of gauze 

Lip to lip, cheek to cheek

That no observer could ever peek at

Those masticating mandibles from Amerique?

One day, Frauline Meow decided to join a support group for victims 

Eating with Mouths

(She had first consulted ChatGBT that had suggested she eat

Behind a Cabbage tree)

There she met John Who

Who since the age of 4 always covered his mouth

At school -Who told Meow- when he ate kids 

Echoed a cow's moo

And John didn't know what to do.

Fast forward 2 years John Who married 

Frauline Meow

When eating their wedding cake friends

Filmed using the Canva App

Posting flipping images sputtering  the white topping 

Sputtering in slow motion against John and Meow's

Hands that

Rapidly waved like ping-pong paddles

Or Chinese hand fans bumbling in the 

Blistering heat

Even though Frauline Meow's Mum wasn't known to

Have a Broad Palatability regarding ostentatious clothes

She danced with John Who who was wearing a paisley jacket with 

No shirt showing

Off

His

Tiger tattoo

Eating a tiger striped rat while

Covering its mouth with its paw.

Nursery Tank Rhyme

U-Ukraine is falling down

Falling down, falling down.

U-Ukraine is falling down

Could you send me a Bradley?

Off to war you must go

You must go, you must go

Off to war, you must go

Tank or no Tank Baby.

There are no Tanks, what a let down

What a let down, what a let down.

There are no Tanks, what a let down

My Lady will need electrotherapy

The New Zealand PM has no more in her Tank

No more in her Tank, no more in her Tank

The New Zealand PM has no more in her Tank

And she's not a War Baby.

Off to the front you must go

You must, you must go

Off to the front you must go 

Watch the gay drone Lady

U-Ukraine is falling down

Falling down, falling down.

U-Ukraine is falling down

This is no prank Lady.