Cocaine Bear

Cocaine Bear is everywhere!

Buying bagels this morning at the counter they said:

"Is that all? Did you see Cocaine Bear?"

During an open heart surgery it was overheard,

"Pass me the sternum spreaders, and what did you think about Cocaine Bear?"

And at the World Series final, one of the players was heard to sing,

Oh say, can you  see, By the dawn's early light,

There's a COCAINE BEAR! A COCAINE BEAR!!!

Why all the fuss?

Pablo Escobear?

In Romeo and Juliet, Shakesbear said,

"To Bear poison, I would temper it"

I can no longer forbear,

To see a Bear

Chew up victims in an ambulance

Or shoot up a tree like a squirrel

What flair, I swear! For a drugged barbare!

I still don't get it, when Marc Anthony said:

"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your Bears!"

He was just being vulgare.

 Au contraire in Cairo, Egypt, 

The people fear not these mighty, furry omnivores,

So changes were made for the mega release of the film 

"Cocaine Hippo" it is called,  

A hippo swims upstream the Nile with the speed of a dolphin, 

Eating hundreds of tourists on its rampage, 

Eating hundreds more in the sacred pyramids! 

Millions are flocking for the premiere 

You won't need a pillow 

If you watch Cocaine Hippo

Millions are flocking for the premiere 

You won't need a pillow if you watch

Cocaine Hippo.

'

Carbird

I,  Carbird, I  am

Not an albatros hung from the neck of an aging  sailor

Nor  a newborn nerd  of  Nature

Wishing to blow bubbles through a ring without soap

My  wings drive through the  hot noxious fumes

They flap and merge into the fast lane

With wanderlust, zufrieden!

Carbird

Some  know me as Ford Falcon, Firebird or Golden Eagle

I am known to have more horsepower than a Puffin at a crossing

I am known to tailgate using my winged mirrors, 

Airfoil plumes

Hybrid transmission

Roundabout synergy

My  friends run around with

Adaptive cruise control

Drowsiness Detectors

Magic Body Control and

Night Vision

That just has me sound my beep, pressing the HOORN!

As I fill up with biodiversity 

And  make sure this time  there won't  be 

Bidirectional blame 

'Cause a Pontiac Firebird is maneuvering from a hard shoulder 

Hitting a pothole and rolling over in MY direction

The driver, a loose goose, texting, sexting

We're both heading to  a cul-de-sac when

A  Proud Boy  on an electric scooter

Holding a wooden hammer gives me a smile

He only as 6 teeth  but his  grimace is one of 

Road Rage

(I thought baseball bats were used by default)

Then a white Buick Skylark 1963  

Came swooping up  the wrong way of a cobblestoned roundabout 

Flashing  its retrofitted, rehabilitated custom rejuvenescent tail lights

Burning black tread from its White Wall tires 

RPM in the Red

From my  birds eye view I thought again... and maybe it wasn't a Skylark

But an Austin Martin Cygnet

Crash! At that moment the Proud Boy smashed my windshield with his hammer 

I hit the brakes, 

My hydrocarbon emissions were past inspectability 

The guy's hammer got stuck in my triangular vent window

And since it was attached to her wrist he went flying as the car  dragged him across the driveway 

(Pulled like on waterskis, his golden wavy locks clashed with his green military  fatigues)

(A  scream? If there was a scream it was drowned out by the sound of the spinning tires)

Of a house that happened to belong to Jay Leno,  and  180  car collection.

Jay  came running out,  flames and smoke  rising  from  his ashen  head -that  was a separate accident 

I stopped  the  car, sprung out,  flapped my  wings  too  put out the  fire, and hopped 3 steps on the

 

Zebra crossing before  taking  to the skies, promising myself 

Never to  look back into my rear view  mirror.

1. 
   

Roger and Liz, Anniversary Day, August 14, 2022

Celebrating this day, a proto-love-union

Marked with music, family, and serious cake-eating 

A wedding in Rockport between

Roger and Liz

Before the rage of the Web

Who could have guessed Roger and Liz would

Be able to conquer the elements

To know what to shop, 

How much and where?

Before texting existed?

And how to dress the children

Before school

Getting that lint roller to

Replace the lint roller that Corky chewed out

And what about takeout?

Finding that sponge that didn't have

Teflon on it to wash the dishes when no one put

POWERBALL DISHWASHING SOAP 

on the list

It had to be

NATURAL

As the Palais de Versaille!

Lang Sponge in Versaille, circa 1992 

Mona Lisa's smile

Everyone wants to know

Why Mona Lisa's smiling so

Leonardo had a hard time getting his model

Lisa Giocondo, to sit still

Yet he wanted her to have a fresh expression, so he told her,

"Think about the best time you had last summer"

"Leonardo, you know it was a bummer."

(Lisa was from a wealthy family and her helicopter mom prevented her from

flirting until she was 18.)

"Didn't you go swimming all the time?" asked the great Maestro

                    In 1504 Florentine  life guards were rare

                    Nevertheless, swimming in the Arno brought out the latest Renaissance 

                      Beachwear

                    Only dangers lurked in those dark waters as even today

                    Swimmers don't always come up for air.

                    A ban in 1498 forbade swimming after 8

                    Lifeguards, or in those days in Italian, 

                    "Vigile di bagnigno di vita celeste"

                    Were few

                    But with the backing of the Medicis, the laws were enforced

                    Making swimming almost taboo.

"Of course I did, Leonardo!" she replied, her subtle smile permeating her gentle face

Her memories shifted to that July evening, at 9:05, when she came out of the cool river from

a dip. Many were getting arrested due to the late hour, yet she managed to slip past the guards,

turning, she gave them the "cornuto" and ran home.

I bought Amazon but then decided to buy the Universe

Yesterday I bought Amazon

It was estimated at $1.56 trillion 

So I made an offer of $2.14 trillion

(To satisfy shareholders and board members)

The GARV* of the company skyrocketed 

Until

I realized they used styrofoam packing chips for packing

And who, even for one trillion,

Wants to buy a company with styrofoam chips?

So I decided to buy the Universe instead.

The challenge is to find the year it was founded

And then the headquarters 

But I know the Universe has a net worth of several trillion

 Just have to convince the shareholders of my star

Charisma

Most importantly I will be promoting a 

Free unbridled Universe

The Mustang horse will be my motto, hence,

Mustang Universe Langola shall ring 

Throughout the "cosmic nurseries where stars are born"  **

In a press release, I stated,  

"The Universe has amazing potential because we have 

Yet to capitalize on the gravitational field."

I just hope Pegasus doesn't get jealous 

Claiming I'm a hack and overzealous money monger 

Screw Meta, Dogecoins and megabytes

Join the Mustang Universe

It will be your new bill of rights!

* Garv = good all round value

** Dennis Overbye NYT

The laughing poem

 Dedicated to the Laughing Policeman

My phone got jammed six weeks ago

Six weeks without a phone I lived

Hahahahaha!

The SIM card was bugging

My GPS placed me in Egypt

And my Bluetooth was turning green

Hahahahaha!

Many a time I called customer service

Listening to sing song music

Time spilling like flowery milk

Hahahahaha!

One time after a 30 minute wait

I was cut off 

And reminded myself I shall not hate

Hahahahaha!

I felt sent on a mission to obtain

A new code

Yet week after week the codes failed

Hahahahaha!

I thought I was losing my bearings

My phone would never unlock

Customer service could never service 

My needs

And I might as well go mend a sock

Hahahahaha!

"Go get it cracked" said a friend

Tee-hee

So I ha-ha did

And in 10 minutes 

It was done

Hahahahaha!

Whizzing, beeping, flashing with networks and 

App updates

Textos galore

Hahahahaha!

And then, only then, 

With blisters on my fingers from

Banging on the keys

Was it clear

The networks didn't need me

Hahahahaha!

And I

Ha-ha

Didn't need them!

Hahahahaha!

3D Ears and Noses

 My friend Loretta got a new ear the other day

And it looked exactly like her other 2 ears because

It was made with a 3D printer

"Why do you need a 3rd ear" I pried

"Because I'm tired of tattoos,

I intend to cover my body with ears."

Loretta was right, and before her time.

Soon, hundreds and thousands started implanting

Ears, noses, even penises on their bodies

A year later, Loretta appeared naked except

Her body was covered with ears.

"I've never felt more comfortable" she said

"I think today I'm a better listener than before and 

You know how I value listening."

"I HEAR YOU" I shouted

Her body almost jumped out of her skin

But I thought she was sincere

I had signed up for a nose implant

I needed 3 noses for that "effect"

Yet many sleepless nights I spent

Trying to decide where to put them.

Unable to decide, I chose to have it done first on

Brutus, my dog: one snout  behind the head, one on the back and one above the tail

Brutus loved it, and he made even more friends during his doggy walks

So I decided the same -minus tail

The operation went well and

I felt like a new man

True the bump under my belt felt awkward for a while 

So I asked my Taylor to make an opening

(Also it was practical for sneezing out the rear)

Today I'm not so sure I'm gonna stick to my 3 noses

Because I can't sleep on my back 

So I've rescheduled surgery to place them on my shoulders

Why haven't I thought of that before?

My snowcat's got a winch

My snow cat's got a winch

(wink wink)

My snow cat's got a winch

(wink wink)

It chops and densifies flakes

It makes saw teeth configurations

And with unfettered migration 

Moves snow topping the Mont Blanc or

The tallest  Tech corporation in the Haitian Nation.

My snow cat's got a winch

(wink wink)

My snow cat's got a winch

(wink wink)

I'm lucky if I can blink

In the heart of the night

Driving my 9,765 kilo 

Orange Groomer

I keep my pocket comb handy

Cause I'm a baby boomer!

Driving a snow cat 

Is like eating an eclair whilst

Having a prayer that

The chocolate filling won't squirt on the window and

Obstruct the icy view

Driving a snowcat  requires

Good skin care

A  long head of

Hair

And outerwear such as

Knitwear 

To plow in good humor

My snow cat's got a winch

(wink wink)

My snow cat's got a winch

(wink wink)

Going up and down a mountain is not 

An ice rink

My seat belt's so tight

I can't even twerk

My stomach is rumbling like a building site

I can barely work.

My Mommy gave me an 

Ice pick for my birthday

My brother got me new spikes for my cleats

My boss told me

I gotta do a better job filling out

Those worksheets

My girlfriend was butthurt 

When I got this job she says

I love my snowcat more than her

Yadada Snowcat, 

Yadada.

The Lift

I remember the first time I got a lift

It wasn't in a car

Even though at 4 we drove very far

I was in the Empire State Building

Where the elevators were going

"Ring-a-ding-ding!"

And ever since I've been lifting.

At the age of 8 I started as a shoplifter

Grabbing and stuffing candy into my pockets

Like stuffing a Thanksgiving turkey

At school, during typewriting class

We learned how use the Shift

That lifted the type bars, the letters

That slammed against the ribbon to 

Print wondrous CAPS

My doctor who dismissed boosting

My low blood pressure with

Mephentermine

Gave me a long sermon

To drink water and wear stockings

And proposed I buy knickerbockers for my

Manley thighs to make it all look natural.

When I got married I opened

My wife's wedding present on a chairlift

It was a box of chapstick -I suffered from dry lips

I was so happy I was reminded

When I was seasick and

I met Levée, who told me not to

Lean on her but

Get a lift out of life.

Later on, during Covid, I had to air lift

boxes of Q-tips and home testing kits to Nebraska

We loaded a military C-17

Played canasta and exchanged nasal swabs and shots of

Whiskey 

Still my spirits are on a rollercoaster

If I could only join my son Oscar and

Pick mushrooms with him somewhere lost in Yukon.

What a lift, what a lift!

Vacuum cleaning Ukraine

The year was after 2022, I can't like many, remember exactly when, but I was vacuuming with my 1983 National MC-301F Footstool Cylinder Vacuum Cleaner, a handy Polish machine that, despite a small container, was effective on rubble. 

I took a break under the hot summer sun and used an 18th century Japanese fan that I took from the nearby museum to cool myself down. there were fancy inscriptions and a drawing of a dragon in the water, maybe it was made for a fierce emperor, and that's how I was feeling, after months of cleaning up the town of Husarivka, in Eastern Ukraine: I just wanted to clean more!

As the sweat dripped from my chin, I could hear, to my surprise, what appeared to be 2 Russian vacuum cleaners, a Raketa T-45 1960 and a Vichir EP-2 1963-R model, shaped like a space age Soyuz.

The Raketa was a workhorse, much like a Kalashnikov, but it had been years since I had heard a Vichir EP-2 (The EP-1 was discontinued shortly after production because a design flaw caused it to overheat and catch on fire.)

I walked over with my 1983 National MC-301F, straining my ears a little  to the high pitch of the two machines and together they sounded like an ordinary 1955 Hoover model 64 with a headlamp that lets you see them dustballs under hard to reach areas.

I met Boyka  and Oxana, two charming Ukranian women, both teachers who had made it over from the occupied zone. Refusing to teach the Russian curriculum, they came over to "Zlamannyy Oukraina" (Broken Ukraine), and brought with them Russian vacuum cleaners. 

Of course they wanted to hear what my Polish vacuum cleaner sounded like and I agreed on the condition that we would do a trio concert all together.

It started off awkwardly, my National MC-301F was rumbling a bit because the dust bag was almost full, but we carried on, up the stairs of a building with a vast hole in it, and we improvised Brahms' Tragic Overture - without horns or violins. It may have been a rough symphony, especially because at one moment Oxana's hose got caught under a railing, and she almost lost her balance and fell, but there was delight, light and lightfullness in the dusty air. 

Then, to my surprise, Boyka and Oxana started singing a Ukranian rap song by Yuri Bardash, Gruzovik,  over Brahms, and here it is, I have translated it as best as I could: 

I'm a truck
Designed to
Collect all the stones
Throw me too
The body is broken, bleeding
Strangely enough, I'm moving forward
This is my plan, on

Load of dimensional rhythms, bits
I took it out, I take it out, I'm always ready
Brave bracelet for the festival
The ball is made by industrial, the hall is crowded
Yes, this is the beginning of the road
You're inside, you were allowed to enter
Well, everything, like, then I myself, sorry
Truck at speed    

A meatball moment

My son was having a meatball moment

Rolling meatballs down the stairs 

Asking, "Dad, Dad, why don't meatballs have brakes?"

I thought hard

Rubbing my beard with my index finger that had some

Lingering soup on the nail 

"They do, but they don't know how to use them"

I replied, rather satisfied with myself.

Mom had left the house an hour ago and

We needn't her affirmation that the house was in a state of

Living curious enticement

That purifying rites could not just wisk away

"Can you spray the house with Lysol just once more?" 

My grandmother's voice was calling.

For some, the encrusted meatballs on the stair's carpet

Could deliver a fly swat of disgust

(Would you stir your tea with a fly swatter that had been used?)

Sure there were times of festive belligerence when, as a youngster,

I reveled in the chewing gum stuck to my father's favorite painting

"You are cruel and insidious" he told me, his finger waving at all of

My five years

Not long after I decided to be a student of evolution

Following Darwin's steps was ambitious yet

I wanted to know why he said 

One is disgusted more by meat then by apples

And "Here, smell it"is a necessary ritual 

For humans to confirm that what is revolting is

Disgusting and 

Vica Versa we, as a society, must share, to affirm

Solidify and revivify the moment so vile

That a meatball will be imagined as dog poop

Just for the excitement so

That it should remain

Encrusted

In memory 

In the carpet

Forever.