Robert Graves, Siegfried Sassoon and Wilfred Owen are in a wooded park in Sussex, sitting at a picnic table.
RG: Ever since Luis Rubiales kissed Jenni Hermoso I can't sleep a wink!
SS: My dear Robert, what's happening to you? You're lugubrious.
RG: It wasn't a Kiss in the Garden of Eden, even though a slithery snake was most likely behind it. It was a Kiss out of WWI trenches, a Kiss that shook the clouds, that made lips turn to frost and then to fire, do you get what I mean?
WO: By, by right you are Robert! Had Rubiales first washed his feet before approaching the 23 World Cup Squad, I might have felt an iota of veneration towards his hopity hopity overzealous, oversexed expression of joy. You know he closely hugged four players before getting to Hermoso?
SS: Who cares about veneration? You know, for me the Kiss is the steel barrel. More kisses, less rust. Rubiales is just keeping his lips from getting rusty.
RG: You blundering corny head of a mop stick! Go vacuum your pool of impurities and then get back to me.
SS: Hermoso is being a sycophant you fool. She wants it all. The Gold Medal, the fame, the star appeal.
WO: I need to un-cling my lips from this discussion. Is Rubiales an Adam or Satan? Is Hermoso Eve or a She-Devil?
SS: She's Barbie gone devil, ha, ha!
RG: Your insensitivity is climbing out of the trenches faster than a parasite worm crawls up my intestines.
SS: You might as well chop off a lump of your intestines, Robert, you have seen the Kiss of Death, and Hermoso was part of it.
WO: Are you sure Siegfried? Did you not see how Rubiales cleverly picked up his legs after the kiss?
SS: What are you talking about? That was Hermoso who picked him up!
WO: That's what he intended the World to think. What really happened is that he lifted his legs...
RG: Making it look like Hermoso lifted him. The scum.
SS: I grant you it's an interesting hypothesis, yet hard to prove. I still think the Kiss was fair.
RG: "Alls fair in Love and War." I don't buy it. Next thing you'll say is the Ancient Mariner killed the Albatross out of love. Hermoso, like her name, is a beauty that Rubiales could not resist. He used his position to grab her with both hands and kiss her like a potato.
WO: A potato? You mean like an eggplant?
RG: A potato. At that moment Satan roiled with envy.
SS: (A pretty girls walks by and Siegfried catcalls.) Yo, meow, meow, bitch, what's up?
RG: Siegfried, are you on fentanyl again?
WO: His lips have rusted from un-kissing.
