Pig Sardines

Could Sardines come from pigs?

Chance, a black labrador, was having a dream

True, his belly was full chappagetti

(A Korean noodle dish rich in pork) and

Sardine leftovers that Sammy, his master's 9 year old

Secretly let him slurp up under the table during a formal dinner 

Party the night before.

Chance was in a trance: he rolled over on his back

And imagined he was swimming with sardines

And pigs

And pigs and sardines together 

His stomach had surrendered when

He remembered his mother Celine with her green eyes

She woofed joyfully when he crossed a stream at the age of 13 months.

But she said: "Never eat sardine, dogs don't need Omega 5."

Shaken, Chance rubbed his nose onto the carpet

He could still smell the pork and sardines that had dripped into the fabric

His brain went spinning, almost out of control

If only he had a washbowl with a slice of lemon

He could clean his paws.

 

Weird

Weird has been around, Dr. Demento on KPPC FM started in 1970

Still we must ask: "Are we getting weirder or is

Weird getting weirder?"

And, "How weird can weird get?"

Would you auction

An old man's beard?

Would you profiteer from a

Bioengineer making durable toothbrushes?

Could you give away a Dali painting 'cause the 

Sheep have folded bat ears?

That's weird.

Radiohead's infamous Creep wasn't weird but

"Weirdo"

A personal first person pronoun rant

Displaying a character expelled from the Heavens for

He shall have no chance to shoot a Cupid arrow of love

Ya gotta be SPECIAL for that.

Still, if you had a concerto of weirdos

They would cancel each other out

Becoming dull, familiar, just regular run of the mill

So how can you be SPECIAL and not weird?

Start by taking off that awful veneer.

Weird fishes

I get eaten by the worms
And weird fishes
Picked over by the worms
And weird fishes
Weird fishes
Weird fishes

Hah

This poem is inspired from when I sent a comic to my nephew showing a gang of gangsters who were thinking about going to the Supreme Court to see if perhaps their next heist was legal. I was expecting a resounding "Hah hah" but my nephew texted back with a single "Hah!"

Hah!

This was no blah blah

Hah! A first look at the Mona Lisa

Hah hah!

To the student who wore shorts breaking a sacred dress code.

This Hah! came after

Grandma 

Who cut herself with a chainsaw!

Born in Warsaw

She was better with an axe

She taught me how to eat flax

Ahah!

Jakup, her grandson was surprised

Babunia, he called her 

"How can you see with that hair in your eyes?"

Hah! 

"And cut a tree at the same time?" 

Hah!

Then Babunia wiped the blood off her arm, pulled the starter cord

That went

Rah-ta-ta-tah!!!

Darwin Jr. and the Evolution of the Doughnut

 

The Serial Slingshot Shooter and Joey Chestnut Soyadogs

Pull, aim and shoot!

Prince King did it better than anyone else. 

2472 broken windows

871 broken windshields

No human victims

The Serial Slingshot Shooter prevailed

He stirred a quiet neighbourhood like the stirring of a 

Pot of risotto

And they quivered like a Tremolo between notes

Waiting for the next aggression.

Prince King prevailed

The Serial Slingshot Shooter shot his pellets at all hours

For over a period of 12 years

After his arrest the court ordered that he stay 200 yards away from all his neighbours, 

Yet he would have needed to move to Alaska to fulfil that order. 

Theories about his motivation still abound.

Was he a slingshot shooter shot by an abusive parent?

Did he evolve from a peashooter sticking spitballs on the ceiling of his public school

To a crack window shatter-er

Who seemingly started his undertaking after retirement?

True, his job was a quality control manager for 

An elastic company

Making everything from rubber bands to 

Industrial belts for Harley Davidsons

Nothing drastic his coworkers said he wasn't enthusiastic 

But respected the stretch of rubber with a beady eye

When the police searched the 2 bedroom home of 

Prince King

They found an upside down picture of slingshot

A model showing a couple embracing

Was this part of his subterfuge? It worked: his neighbours thought he was a sweetheart

Only Prince lived alone... having lost his wife, his heart was in shambles.

After he died a kook put a sign in his lawn, it said:

"It' all about Joey Chestnut!"

A crazy conspiracy. Could the Serial Slingshot Shooter have been upset when 

Nathan's banned

Joey Chestnut

From the Hotdog contest

Because he decided to eat SOYADOGS?

Crazy,  but the mystery remains.

Darwin Jr. notes for a local play*

 

*A nod in this short play is given to Ionesco's Rhinoceros.

Scene one. 

We are in the woods of Montana and Darwin's grandson, Edwin, is working on his masterpiece, on the Origin of Doughnuts, 2.

With his binoculars, safari hat and coffee, he has a square toast that he cannot dunk properly into the coffee.Suddenly, a noise is heard and a giant White Rhino appears, running with 2 doughnuts on it horn. As it runs by, one of the doughnuts falls off its horn. Edwin Darwin is aghast and moves to examine the find.

"I can't believe it. "Doughnutus Taurus Popatum Maximumus" an early doughnut!

This specimen has likely travelled from the Euphrates river, making its way over the Atlantic in a skiff.

We have to take it to the lab." Darwin wraps up the doughnut and leaves.

Scene II

We are at the lab. Edwin Darwin is with his trusted assistant, Dr. Bagel. One of the audience will assist: the will have 3 signs: when they hold up A, the audience will say, "Well of all things", when they hold up B, they will say, "It's never too late" and when it's C, "Concentrate!".

Edwin Darwin: "Dr Bagel, have u ever seen such a specimen???"

Dr. Bagel: "It's fascinating, Dr Darwin. I can't believe we still have traces of cinnamon on its crust."

E.D. "This is a very evolved doughnut Dr. Bagel. Take note of its roundness, its symmetry."

D.B. I admit I have never seen such a rounded doughnut. It is so round I feel there must be a purpose for it.

E.D. I remember reading Egyptian scrolls and my grandfathers observations on the Gallapagos, which spoke about dunking take out coffee."

Telephone rings: Erwin Darwin, MS, MES, PHD, speaking?

E.D. What? A coffee,  doughnut, this is not a coffee shop, who are you?

Pause

E.D. A Rhinoceros? Are u joking? (E.D. hangs up.) Can u believe, speaking to D.B. that that was a Rhino on the line?

D.B. A prank, for sure.

E.D. Right, absolutely, now where were we?

D.B. We were talking about "Dunking take-out coffee? What could that mean?"

E.D. I have no idea.

D.B. And if it meant this? -D.B. takes Edwin's doughnut and dunks it in his coffee.

E.D. What did u do?

D.B. I just dunked your doughnut. (Silent narrator speaks: this it the first time a doughnut has been dunked for mankind! E.D. Breaks his doughnut in 2 and they both dunk and eat their doughnuts trying to talk about syllogisms with their mouths full.) "If there are no Rhinos in France, and Rhinos live on doughnuts, then there are no real doughnuts in France."

They talk over each other, repeating "dunking" and "no Rhinos" and "doughnuts". 

E.D. Let's get serious. This Doughnutus Taurus Popatum Maximumus, is one of a kind. In a TickTok post, dated 8th century BC, there was mention of serial slingshot shooter, Prince Raymond Rex.

D.B. Yes, of course, "Raymond the Rex".

E.D. Takes the Rhino doughnut and hangs it on the kiln. Then he back off, takes a slingshot and starts shooting paper balls through the hole.

Audience is invited to participate, and donut is made to swing. 

D.B. Dang. That's sick as hell!

E.D. According to Homer, Principus Raymond Rex was not only considered the first Queer King, but a great hunter. I hence stipulate that early Doughnuts were for target practice, for hunting.

D.B. And today we dunk!

Suddenly the giant Rhino reappears. It takes the doughnut and runs off

Suddenly the Rhino reappears, grabs the doughnut with its horn, and runs out to the street and out of sight. Dr. Bagel and Erwin Darwin, one carrying a spear and the other a butterfly net, run out in hot pursuit.

End of performance.

E.D. Let's follow it!

D.B. Careful Edwin, it has Bad Breath!

The brave 2 evolutionary researchers run out to the street and disappear into the horizon.

237 texts between a teenage Bagel and a Doughnut*

 *Inspired by Eric Clapton's love for Pattie Boyd and his son Layla.

** 237 is the average number of texts teens send to each other per day.

A bagel and a doughnut have met on social media only.

Dearest D,  (text #31, 7:20 am)

I wanted to say from the first day that I set eyes on you on Insta,  you were the one. Never have a touch such a soft, bouncy, dough ball, and with a hole in it!

Greasy but not too greasy, can expand, swell in size whilst dunked, your talents exceeds all my expectations! So dope!

Dear, Dear B (text #55, 8:58 am)

Thank you for your sweet words, so Gucci.

When my Uncle said I should marry a bagel I thought he was joking.

But when I imagined meeting u in Philadelphia, u were smiling at me, with that white, pure smear of cream cheese, gently smeared between your halves, looking at me with such pure sincerity that my donut walls were about to burst.

Beloved D, (text #74 10:17 am)

It seems like an eternity since we last spoke. TBH 237 text messages a day are just not enough. It all goes so fast. Send me more pictures, recount feeling of how it is to be dunked in hot coffee 100 times a day. Just because I'm a bagel doesn't mean that I won't understand.

Yours always,

Da Bagel

My "so sick Bagel", (text # 90, 11:10 am)

You make me out to be a hero, in text #158 you compared me to Beowulf

but you should know my skin is not as thick as his.  However, you, having had your

doughy self boiled and then backed, are a true warrior whose courage never ceases to impress me.

If I were a bagel, I would ride over the highest peaks, put myself at the disposal of shipwreck victims of the Titanic. You can do so with a wave of cream cheese, YOLO.

My only Doughnut, (text # 114, 11:53 am)

It has been a busy morning. One of my colleagues was insulted because a client said he was so hard that she called him a "Jurassic Bagel". People are so unforgiving these days. Do they even know, how, 60,000 years ago Bagels looked like? (Hint, we were not round.) I hope those who dunk you know what they have between their fingers.

Thinking of you always,

xo

BAY-GEL! (text #115, 11:54 am)

That is sooo insulting! But we get lots of attitude as well in this business. Once I had some nail varnish drip onto my cinnamon crust and I almost passed out. Know that however crusty you may be on the outside, I know you're all mush on the inside.

My sweetest Dough-Dough, (text #162, 2:05 pm)

Lunchtime just zapped by today. Texting you and smearing the creme cheese made the rush go by even smoother. How did I manage for so long not knowing that a doughnut soulmate was out there supporting me? My life was Vanilla.

Yours always, 

Big B

Big B (text #177, 2:58 pm)

I almost choked on my own doughnut because the last 23 texts were so emotional. No one has ever made me feel that way. I think when we meet I will let u roll on top of me, but just for a minute, I first want you to meet my parents before this gets more serious.

My only D (text #178, 2:59 pm)

Of course one minute would be even too much! Who do you think I am? I would never take advantage of you, but it would be nice to see if our holes align. Please, give me the names of your parents so I can write them a text.

My hot, fierce B-flame, (text #212, 4:17 pm)

I have had to take a little nappy, I was feeling dough-nutted out.

Dad is Morris and mom is Carmelita. They are both from Queens but mom

is from Columbia where they make Buñuelos, sweet like a doughnut but...

(text #213, 4:17 pm) I know Buñuelos, my friend from Honduras made them!

(text #214, 4:18 pm) Yes, but they're Columbian, way better!

My sprinkles from Paradise, (text 221, 4:56 pm)

It's so nice to talk about Buñuelos, my Doughnut Pie!

I will text your mom, we have sooo much in common, it's sick!

Sweet Bagel Aladin, (text 230, 6:21 pm)

Your text to mom was so dope she was on fire; had to get extinguisher.

She says she's ready to put u in the constitution, "Doughnuts love Bagels forever".

My curvaceous CEO, (tex 234, 7:40 pm)

Showed some pics to my FAM (had to flex a bit) and they all think you're dope.

Who would think a Bagel could love thee so? 

You and me in this tight Ship of love, (text 236, 8:15 pm)

Feeling crunked and high from Lovey Dovey Feel distracted like a housefly, in my mind's eye, Cupid has shot me in the thigh.

BFF Love Poet, (text 237, 8:57 pm)

Last text was sweeter than sweet. Parents take my phone at 9, Cringe! Text u tomorrow!