The laughing poem

 Dedicated to the Laughing Policeman

My phone got jammed six weeks ago

Six weeks without a phone I lived

Hahahahaha!

The SIM card was bugging

My GPS placed me in Egypt

And my Bluetooth was turning green

Hahahahaha!

Many a time I called customer service

Listening to sing song music

Time spilling like flowery milk

Hahahahaha!

One time after a 30 minute wait

I was cut off 

And reminded myself I shall not hate

Hahahahaha!

I felt sent on a mission to obtain

A new code

Yet week after week the codes failed

Hahahahaha!

I thought I was losing my bearings

My phone would never unlock

Customer service could never service 

My needs

And I might as well go mend a sock

Hahahahaha!

"Go get it cracked" said a friend

Tee-hee

So I ha-ha did

And in 10 minutes 

It was done

Hahahahaha!

Whizzing, beeping, flashing with networks and 

App updates

Textos galore

Hahahahaha!

And then, only then, 

With blisters on my fingers from

Banging on the keys

Was it clear

The networks didn't need me

Hahahahaha!

And I

Ha-ha

Didn't need them!

Hahahahaha!

3D Ears and Noses

 My friend Loretta got a new ear the other day

And it looked exactly like her other 2 ears because

It was made with a 3D printer

"Why do you need a 3rd ear" I pried

"Because I'm tired of tattoos,

I intend to cover my body with ears."

Loretta was right, and before her time.

Soon, hundreds and thousands started implanting

Ears, noses, even penises on their bodies

A year later, Loretta appeared naked except

Her body was covered with ears.

"I've never felt more comfortable" she said

"I think today I'm a better listener than before and 

You know how I value listening."

"I HEAR YOU" I shouted

Her body almost jumped out of her skin

But I thought she was sincere

I had signed up for a nose implant

I needed 3 noses for that "effect"

Yet many sleepless nights I spent

Trying to decide where to put them.

Unable to decide, I chose to have it done first on

Brutus, my dog: one snout  behind the head, one on the back and one above the tail

Brutus loved it, and he made even more friends during his doggy walks

So I decided the same -minus tail

The operation went well and

I felt like a new man

True the bump under my belt felt awkward for a while 

So I asked my Taylor to make an opening

(Also it was practical for sneezing out the rear)

Today I'm not so sure I'm gonna stick to my 3 noses

Because I can't sleep on my back 

So I've rescheduled surgery to place them on my shoulders

Why haven't I thought of that before?

My snowcat's got a winch

My snow cat's got a winch

(wink wink)

My snow cat's got a winch

(wink wink)

It chops and densifies flakes

It makes saw teeth configurations

And with unfettered migration 

Moves snow topping the Mont Blanc or

The tallest  Tech corporation in the Haitian Nation.

My snow cat's got a winch

(wink wink)

My snow cat's got a winch

(wink wink)

I'm lucky if I can blink

In the heart of the night

Driving my 9,765 kilo 

Orange Groomer

I keep my pocket comb handy

Cause I'm a baby boomer!

Driving a snow cat 

Is like eating an eclair whilst

Having a prayer that

The chocolate filling won't squirt on the window and

Obstruct the icy view

Driving a snowcat  requires

Good skin care

A  long head of

Hair

And outerwear such as

Knitwear 

To plow in good humor

My snow cat's got a winch

(wink wink)

My snow cat's got a winch

(wink wink)

Going up and down a mountain is not 

An ice rink

My seat belt's so tight

I can't even twerk

My stomach is rumbling like a building site

I can barely work.

My Mommy gave me an 

Ice pick for my birthday

My brother got me new spikes for my cleats

My boss told me

I gotta do a better job filling out

Those worksheets

My girlfriend was butthurt 

When I got this job she says

I love my snowcat more than her

Yadada Snowcat, 

Yadada.

The Lift

I remember the first time I got a lift

It wasn't in a car

Even though at 4 we drove very far

I was in the Empire State Building

Where the elevators were going

"Ring-a-ding-ding!"

And ever since I've been lifting.

At the age of 8 I started as a shoplifter

Grabbing and stuffing candy into my pockets

Like stuffing a Thanksgiving turkey

At school, during typewriting class

We learned how use the Shift

That lifted the type bars, the letters

That slammed against the ribbon to 

Print wondrous CAPS

My doctor who dismissed boosting

My low blood pressure with

Mephentermine

Gave me a long sermon

To drink water and wear stockings

And proposed I buy knickerbockers for my

Manley thighs to make it all look natural.

When I got married I opened

My wife's wedding present on a chairlift

It was a box of chapstick -I suffered from dry lips

I was so happy I was reminded

When I was seasick and

I met Levée, who told me not to

Lean on her but

Get a lift out of life.

Later on, during Covid, I had to air lift

boxes of Q-tips and home testing kits to Nebraska

We loaded a military C-17

Played canasta and exchanged nasal swabs and shots of

Whiskey 

Still my spirits are on a rollercoaster

If I could only join my son Oscar and

Pick mushrooms with him somewhere lost in Yukon.

What a lift, what a lift!

Vacuum cleaning Ukraine

The year was after 2022, I can't like many, remember exactly when, but I was vacuuming with my 1983 National MC-301F Footstool Cylinder Vacuum Cleaner, a handy Polish machine that, despite a small container, was effective on rubble. 

I took a break under the hot summer sun and used an 18th century Japanese fan that I took from the nearby museum to cool myself down. there were fancy inscriptions and a drawing of a dragon in the water, maybe it was made for a fierce emperor, and that's how I was feeling, after months of cleaning up the town of Husarivka, in Eastern Ukraine: I just wanted to clean more!

As the sweat dripped from my chin, I could hear, to my surprise, what appeared to be 2 Russian vacuum cleaners, a Raketa T-45 1960 and a Vichir EP-2 1963-R model, shaped like a space age Soyuz.

The Raketa was a workhorse, much like a Kalashnikov, but it had been years since I had heard a Vichir EP-2 (The EP-1 was discontinued shortly after production because a design flaw caused it to overheat and catch on fire.)

I walked over with my 1983 National MC-301F, straining my ears a little  to the high pitch of the two machines and together they sounded like an ordinary 1955 Hoover model 64 with a headlamp that lets you see them dustballs under hard to reach areas.

I met Boyka  and Oxana, two charming Ukranian women, both teachers who had made it over from the occupied zone. Refusing to teach the Russian curriculum, they came over to "Zlamannyy Oukraina" (Broken Ukraine), and brought with them Russian vacuum cleaners. 

Of course they wanted to hear what my Polish vacuum cleaner sounded like and I agreed on the condition that we would do a trio concert all together.

It started off awkwardly, my National MC-301F was rumbling a bit because the dust bag was almost full, but we carried on, up the stairs of a building with a vast hole in it, and we improvised Brahms' Tragic Overture - without horns or violins. It may have been a rough symphony, especially because at one moment Oxana's hose got caught under a railing, and she almost lost her balance and fell, but there was delight, light and lightfullness in the dusty air. 

Then, to my surprise, Boyka and Oxana started singing a Ukranian rap song by Yuri Bardash, Gruzovik,  over Brahms, and here it is, I have translated it as best as I could: 

I'm a truck
Designed to
Collect all the stones
Throw me too
The body is broken, bleeding
Strangely enough, I'm moving forward
This is my plan, on

Load of dimensional rhythms, bits
I took it out, I take it out, I'm always ready
Brave bracelet for the festival
The ball is made by industrial, the hall is crowded
Yes, this is the beginning of the road
You're inside, you were allowed to enter
Well, everything, like, then I myself, sorry
Truck at speed    

A meatball moment

My son was having a meatball moment

Rolling meatballs down the stairs 

Asking, "Dad, Dad, why don't meatballs have brakes?"

I thought hard

Rubbing my beard with my index finger that had some

Lingering soup on the nail 

"They do, but they don't know how to use them"

I replied, rather satisfied with myself.

Mom had left the house an hour ago and

We needn't her affirmation that the house was in a state of

Living curious enticement

That purifying rites could not just wisk away

"Can you spray the house with Lysol just once more?" 

My grandmother's voice was calling.

For some, the encrusted meatballs on the stair's carpet

Could deliver a fly swat of disgust

(Would you stir your tea with a fly swatter that had been used?)

Sure there were times of festive belligerence when, as a youngster,

I reveled in the chewing gum stuck to my father's favorite painting

"You are cruel and insidious" he told me, his finger waving at all of

My five years

Not long after I decided to be a student of evolution

Following Darwin's steps was ambitious yet

I wanted to know why he said 

One is disgusted more by meat then by apples

And "Here, smell it"is a necessary ritual 

For humans to confirm that what is revolting is

Disgusting and 

Vica Versa we, as a society, must share, to affirm

Solidify and revivify the moment so vile

That a meatball will be imagined as dog poop

Just for the excitement so

That it should remain

Encrusted

In memory 

In the carpet

Forever.

Truck drivers wanted

When Cui Bai painted for the Northern Song Dynasty in 1027, he didn't worry about the shortage of

Truck drivers or,

Super cargo ships getting stuck in the Suez Canal

Cui painted birds and animals that would make Lafontaine drool 

Emperor Shenzong of Song loved his work

He probably could have received him with his favorite musician, Tom Waits, playing

Phantom 309, singing his ballad with a raunchy nicotine rasp

Cui would have been good at drawing 18 wheelers

Racing down a highway

Stuffed with Chickens and pigs

It's driver on a cell phone trying to remember the latest access code to

NeuroNations

An app that saves your memory from being distracted

The Song Dynasty was hard working but appless -not hapless 

They grew apples and watched the birds

Mao Zedong could have learned some lessons watching those sparrows

(He tried to eradicate them in 1958 and that led to the great Chinese famine)

They were innovative: introducing the first paper money in history, inventing gun powder,

Fire arrows and astronomical clocks

They believed in culture and entertainment 

And probably would have loved Netflix and Amazon Prime

Pity  we didn't know Cui Bai was ahead of his time.