Breaking News: Italian Intercontinental Spaghetti missile misses Salt lake City and covers Great Lake with Salty Pasta

A barrage of missiles and drones launched from Italy over the continental United States avoided radar and mostly hit their designated targets.

 

Italian Prime minister Giorgia Melloni, at a spontaneous news conference, asked for her audience to listen carefully: "Our most prestigious brand, Genio della Pizza, was accused of using grated plastic instead of mozzarella cheese, and without evidence, their products were removed from shelves and banned. Despite official protests, the FDA has maintained its position. The Italian government will have no more of this, and we have taken our own measures to retaliate against this unfair sanction." 

The reaction was unprecedented. 3 missiles, one with ricotta cheese, one with ravioli and one with tomato sauce hit the outskirts of Los Angeles -Skid Row in Central city to be precise- and furnished thousands of hot dishes to unassuming, sleepy homeless residents. (The attack occurred at 3am.) 

Humbolt Park in Chicago was also peppered by drones providing shredded Roman marinated artichokes and pizza wrapped in a wrap. In New York, Hamilton Fish Park in the lower East Side received tubes of risotto and asparagus in a puttanesca sauce doused with white wine.

This is still breaking news and we cannot confirm if other cities have been victims of this audacious attack, but in Salt Lake City, there is news of missiles that missed their targets and landed in the Great Lake, rendering hundreds of kilos of spaghetti alla marinara so salty it was inedible. 

President Biden has stated that this is an uncalled for escalation and Italy shall pay a price. A war cabinet meeting is taking place at this time.

There is a consensus with Military experts who believe we should not be surprised if major Italian cities shall be hammered with doughnuts and bagels and possibly hailed with expired marshmallows that could render streets sticky and unfit for driving.

Dialogue between two Italian puddles

 A Roman and Milanese puddle have an early March talk. They have known each other for some time.

Roman Puddle: Hey, I heard you've had more rain since Hannibal crossed the Alps.

Milan Puddle: You're not kidding. The city's drains are so stuffed that even if it stopped raining I could be                                       puddling for weeks.

RP: You in heaven! I remember when I was puddling under Romulus and Remus, everyone walked around us, even the children, you know why?

MP: No

RP: The puddle was white, white with milk.

MP: Of course, ma certo!

RP: If you remember, my puddle is just at the base of the aqueduct, at Piazza Maggiore. Everyday dozens of ancient trams screech by me, and there's this newspaper vendor who sweeps me dry every morning while whistling some tune about a boat.

MP: Yes, I remember you telling me about the whistler. I'm at the exit of the main train station, where hundreds of tourists discard their used tickets to the point where I look like a floating lily pond of tickets. 

RP: Pity there are no frogs.

MP: Very funny. My Milan puddle pals call me "Gunk".

RP: Gunk with an accent on the U. Goonk!  Ah ah ha!

MP: Ha! You remember the puddle from Geneva, when Frankenstein the monster saw it's reflection for the first time in that clean, Swiss, puddle, it took the joy out of its heart.

RP: It wasn't a Narcissus moment, that's for sure.

MP: The monster would't have seen much if he were looking at my puddle.

RP: Ripple. * (Ripple is an expression used by puddles to express agreement.)

MP I also remember 700 years ago, in the day of Dante, there was the puddle from Ravenna that was bragging it always had 9 rings going around it.

RP: You serious? How could you control something like that?

MP: Divine intervention, I guess.

RP: A puddle in Hell, Purgatory and

MP: Pahradizeoo! (Accentuating its Milanese accent.)

RP. That's la divinitá for sure, which reminds me of Oppenheimer.

MP: Oppen-who?

RP: Heimer. If you look at th beginning of the film, you'll notice it starts with a puddle and you see

MP: Concentric rings moving ...

RP: How do you know?

MP: What makes a puddle puddle?

RP: So sage, to get to the point, yeh, the puddle ripples.

MP: And you're going to tell me why.

RP: The ripples are like nuclear shock waves, get it?

MP: Dang!

RP: You remember Chernobyl?

MP: Never forget.

RP: The radioactive rain, we were

Together: GLOWING AT NIGHT!

The two puddles remain silent for a while.

MP: I heard they're cleaning the drains in Rome, is that true?

RP: Yes, it is.

MP: Are you ever tempted at night to go stuff them?

RP: Without proper papers? You want to corrupt me?

MP: Just saying, our drains in Milan are all good, in puddlespeak of course. I have contacts, you know.

RP: You have contacts?

MP: We've been friends for a long time. I do you a favour, you do me a favour.

RP: Ok, I get it, but what can I do for you?

MP: Not sure, maybe something to do with Leonardo. I have to puddle it over and get back to you.

RP: Listen, I can't hear you anymore, this huge cloud -most likely from the north- is unloading more rain than a cargo ship. Talk to you soon, hey, Milan Puddle, you hear?

Derida, Chomsky and Foucault at the Superbowl

 

We are in the Allegiant stadium in LasVegas for the Superbowl LVIII

Kansas City Chiefs and San Francisco 49ers are on the field. It's after the national anthem sung by Reba McEntire, and Brock Purday, the Captain and quarterback, is about to call the toss.

The three philosophers are sitting in the Premium Lounge on the side of the Chiefs.

M. Foucault: Sorry guys, but this brings back great memories of when I did LSD in the desert. The Super Bowl in Las Vegas, what a trip!

N. Chompsky: Michel, we know you're a sucker for institutions. What difference is there between the power of a prison and the Super Bowl?

J. Derida: Both of you need a little "différence".  Put off that immediate Super Bowl blasting experience. Just because millions are watching, cheerleaders are high-kicking, and Tay-Tay is in the stands -back from her Japan concert- please gentlemen, keep your mental faculties.

N. Chompsky: Jacques, you're so anti-French I could kiss you. Everything is "post" with you: post-structuralist, postcultural, postscience. What the fuck, Jacques, "postfuckingfootball"? We are here now and the game is about to start!

M. Foucault: You may be right Noel, but take a look from an archeological perspective: the nobel Aztecs played  a pole climbing event that included greasing the pole to make it more difficult. The losing team was either sacrifices or imprisoned. Now that's excitement. *

N. Chompsky: Indeed, you are a fan of prison and the vector of power they represent

M. Foucault : -and the power of the word!

N. Chompsky: and the power of the word. But listen to Jacques: are we not imprisoned by cheerleaders, advertising, adversarial hype, and Tay Tay?

J. Derida: Hey guys, did you see? Purdy won the toss. San Francisco is kicking off.

M. Foucault: Jacques, where did u put the LSD?

*In the 60s Foucault published "Les Mots et les Choses", which explored how football banter through history, was the basis of truth in scientific discourse.

The Graduate

 It is that interminable desire to ascend

Always hoping it's around the bend

Graduating, "Please graduate" cries

The falcon as it descends

And yet

The story goes

Bernard didn't graduate and

Was the better man for it

Whether taken by sadness or buffoonery

This Bernard Hermitte didn't complain  about

Not monikering new names for its trove of new ideas 

This Graduate graduated from a natural shell by

Sheltering in the broken socket of a light bulb!

Despite itself it  has a earned a justifiable diploma of biodiversity

Through a sustainable climate adaptation scheme

And has been awarded

By a mindful institution of mindfulness

A Graduate Diploma

On the Big day Bernard didn't show

Up for the Ceremony, 

Academics awaited to applaud its  genius

That between us may be linked to its reproductive 

Genus

Ascending or descending meant little 

Or nothing and

Bernard didn't feel the alienation of a Hermit

Retrofitting  in a broken light bulb was fine and comfy

He joked to himself

What if uncanny Pierrot

Got the Diploma?

                                           

                                                    Salvador Dali "L'amour de Pierrot"

Electronic Highway Signs Written by Great Authors

William Shakespeare: "Hail to a straight driver, hail to thee."

James Joyce: Keep your SUV jigging ajog, hoppy on route on tires ye memory.   

Pierre Boulle (Bridge over River Kwai)  "Approaching draw bridge, don't drawl."

Noam Chompsky: "Think you're smart? Elevated highway over 3 miles."

Maxwell House: "Too much coffee on the expressway? Slow down!"

Junot Diaz (The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao)

"Foursome, quartet, four-way stop!"

"AC/DC: Highway hypnosis? Time for Medical Diagnosis."

Billy Colins "Potholes filled with potential."

ChatGPT

Rudyard Kipling: "Watch your ears, Elephant crossing!"

"Fyodor Dostoevsky: "Don't be contrite, it's your right of way."

John Milton's Lost Highway: "Assuage rode rage: it's time to come of age."

Socrates: "Thou should drive to live, not live to drive."

Stephane Gould  "Speed bump good for centipede!"

William Butler Yeats: "Calculating, detonating, tailgating"

JG Ballard  "Traffic congestion ahead: brake or be brain dead."

George Orwell: "Accident! Rubbernecking,  French pecking: more bottlenecking."

David Attenborough: Hear coughing or frothing? Wildlife crossing!

The Coded Wordgame Cracked

She had

A baguette 

With an extenuating dentelle

Elle, not HE or Lui

That rhymes with Hell

Luigi stood for 54 degrees Fahrenheit in

1887

An electronic ring in French 

Made for prisoners

The Donut Shop meant

Wind gusts up to 20 mph

Sprinkles blowing through the hole

"Leafage" expresses the dew point 

Pushed down by atmospheric

Pressure to knead and knead the dough

Rhymes with Bordeaux

A Station

A Bank

 In 1891 the Sinai 

Recorded "Carwash" 

Standing for Murky Water

(Though car washes didn't appear until 1914)

Hence:

Bagatelle- Luigi -Donut - Leafage- Carwash 

Means: "Put the prisoner in a 54 degree cell carrying an ankle bracelet and holding a donut with sprinkles blowing through it with 20mph gusts that was kneaded and kneaded with some or consequential delay and where a bank near the station of Bordeaux failed to wire money to the Sinai for irrigational purposes.

Doughnuts in the Wilderness by Erwin Darwin Jr.

 

Doughnuts in the Wilderness

July 17, 1912

Erwin Darwin, Charles Darwin's grandson is exploring the dark corners of Zimbabwe, in search of the Elusive doughnut. He is using his grandfather's binoculars and is wearing his grandmothers hand-knitted socks, which he loves despite the fact they are itchy around the toes. 

The raindrops approached with great speed and violence rendering

Leaves, branches sodden

A patch of moss made the sound of a sponge whilst a wild boar 

Stepped into it. 

A waft of all purpose flour permeated the air -or perhaps it was a pâte a choux?

The temperature with the opaque clouds shuttering the light

Struggled to climb above 6 degrees Celsius and Erwin's thick flannel pants and argyle 

Sweater with horned buttons failed to keep him warm.

Suddenly a White  rhinoceros ran through a small meadow.

Seemingly annoyed by a playful Mylothris  Agathina, it  swiped at it with its horn

Losing one of 3 doughnuts it was carrying in the process.  The Rhino turned towards Erwin Darwin

-Perhaps picking up the scent of a human-  and ran off.

Erwin was aghast: It was most likely a batch of glazed donuts but one could not rule out 

Jelly donuts as they have been sighted as far as the Serengeti.

For some long minutes Erwin lay frozen in his observation post contemplating.

He recollected Charles Darwin had written in "The Origin of Species" page 172,

"I can see no good reason to doubt that these so called "doughnuts", through thousands of generations, have evolved from their original square and glazed form, in my best judgement, not inure to jelly stuffing. I humbly question their standard of good taste, as their roundness may have a sexual, marked effect, rather than a good bite."          

 Galapagos , March 13, 1835

For many years Erwin thought that Charles was referring to a hybrid cross-species reproduction, but he could never understand what species this might be.

A strong shiver brought Erwin back to his senses, he got up and ran to the meadow to examine the doughnut and that evening, while sailing on the Bloodhound, he wrote:

"It was clearly a jelly doughnut, and I had never seen one with such a rounded hole in all my travels.

It had a few scratch marks from the Rhino's horn, and it possibly had belonged to a Baker's dozen.       A drop of jelly had trickled out from its thin skin. Its roundness was sublime. No crumbs.                            

45cm in diameter and 10 cm thick. It is possible I have found the missing link. Sitting next to this 

doughnut, breathing the fresh air, feeling at one in the wilderness, I have never felt such joy. "

Erwin Darwin, lake Tanganyika, July 17, 1912

45cm in diameter and 10 cm thick. It is possible I have found the missing link. Sitting next to this 

doughnut, breathing the fresh air, feeling at one in the wilderness, I have never felt such joy. "

Erwin Darwin, lake Tanganyika, July 17, 1912

As we know, Erwin Darwin's foundational study, "Doughnuts, Holes and Survival" was never finished. His Ship, the Bloodhound, sank in the middle of the night. Only one crew member survived who saved some of Erwin's notes. One page entitled, "Dunking" was blank. This unpublished manuscript was written 35 years before the first Dunkin Donuts opened in Quincy Massachusetts.