I was brought up on a farm in Oklahoma in the days when Pa drove his John Deere tractor without satellite or wifi to steer him down infinite plain pastures (he would steer a straighter line than any satellite, he would say), planting soy beans -mostly soy- as the rumble of the pop-popping motor could be hear over the plains and probably through his kidneys. I was brought up in the day when Mom and my brothers had to de-husk corn, clean the pig stalls and then do our homework. When we was done, Mom would make us an egg cream in a cold glass she kept in the fridge and when it was all done and settled, she would pop in a straw for each of us with her index finger. My brothers and I would race to drink 'em down but when I think of it now, years later, it was more of a sucking up contest, with the 4 of us sucking and sucking with such force that our cheeks touched just about on the insides of our mouths.
I was the youngest and never won. Bobby, the oldest, would challenge us like it was an arm wrestling contest: he would look down at you as he pulled on that one, lonely straw with such force it seemed like his nose got longer. You couldn't talk while doing it but I emitted a long "nnnnnnnn" sound from my nose, hoping maybe to distract Bobby and catch him short. Harper, the middle brother, would lodge spit balls into my straw and even if he didn't win he got a chug of giggles from watching me turn blue from sucking on my jammed straw. Mom got a kick of our challenges, often laughing to the point she had to readjust her apron. I often told her my losing was unfair 'cause since I was served last, I was served the thicker egg cream portion compared to my brothers. One day I remember my drink was so thick when I punched the straw through I yelled "ouch!". "Why don't you take one of my thimbles" was what mom suggested for me and all 3 brothers were laughing so hards they spilled and rolled down on the floor.
When McDonald's opened down the street 20 years ago, we stopped lining up for Mom's egg creams. Pa had died from a heart attack in his tractor (his air-conditioning was broke and I suppose he wilted under the heat of the summer), and Ma took over the driving. The neighbours were critical of Ma's farming skills 'cause she always drove in circles. "Why you driving in circles, Marcy?" the neighbours would say, and she replied that for the simple reason that the watering was done in circles and that the corners were always left dry in traditional farming techniques.
At McDonald's I didn't feel at home and I guess I felt like a soya bean left out in the corner of our farm patch. But regardless, we became regulars. Mom forbade us from eating the junk but we could get all the liquid shakes we wanted. The McDonald's shakes were almost as thick as mom's and when the machine broke they were even thicker. On a wet April day I once knocked over Harper's shake as we joked about turning all farms into bullseye tracks of land, and I prided myself 'cause I could righten the cup before even a drip of the chilly white fluid ebbed onto the tiled black and white floor. Harper, such a sucker, complained that his straw was tilted like the tower of Pisa and if I had a cow prod I woulda use it on him and maybe a few zaps would get the straw straight all by itself.
When I got married, Constance, my wife, who drove a tractor better than my dad, tried to dissuade me from going to McDonald's.
"It's out of the question sweetie pie". I worked in a turkey factory and we were very proud 'cause we developed a new turkey claw skin product that we exported to China in large quantities. The Chinese had been eating chicken claw skins for years but they found the turkey even meatier and tastier.
Maybe it was trending but Constance also drove her tractor in circles and she threw out her GPS saying it got all confused so she opted for a compass to guide her. When I returned from the turkey factory circular fields as far as the eye could see were part of the landscape, and the soybeans were as lush as ever.
Maybe those concentric fields got me hypnotised 'cause I stared sucking down more and more shakes and as I drunk I thought I could see the fluid going down in spirals and when I sucked harder my nose got in the way of all that spinning.
I got promoted and had to fly to China time to time to visit a turkey processing plant we set up there and all was going fine. Jet-lagged and tired from my return trip I shuffled into my McDonald's and ordered a "banana-vanilla special". "Extra thick" I chimed in, knowing that the machine's settings were pre-programmed.
The counter person was new to me and she handed over my drink with a friendly smile. I peeked into my bag, rummaging to pick out the straw only to see that it was missing.
"You forgot my straw m'am, looking at her face that slightly revealed a wing of a bat on her neck.
"Sorry sir, it's new McDonald's policy not to give out straws" she intoned in all seriousness.
"Are you suggesting that after 22 years of sucking down your shakes I'm to cuddle it with a spoon?"
"Spoons will be phased out next, sir, all plastic cutlery is being eliminated at McDonald's."
My patience was ebbing. "If you're suggesting that I should eat this with my fingers may I tell you to go to my farm and drink this shake with my hogs."
"Sir, the straws are polluting the planet, Sir! Are you aware that there are over 30,000 square miles of floating straws in the oceans at any given time? And that's not counting styrofoam cups and other plastic detritus that breaks down very, very slowly, intoxicating all marine life?"
Her McDonald's cap slid down her eyebrows giving her a stern look. Her hand was pointing at me and she made a round sign to indicate the entire planet earth. She was offensive. Never in my life had someone tried to impede me from using a straw. I mimed sucking the straw, pulling in my well-exercised cheeks and staring at her with all the intensity I could muster.
"How disgusting" she cried, somewhat surprised. I was at a loss. She screamed, I jumped over the counter and with my hands around her neck I shouted, "I want a straw, give me a straw now!!!"
Her face was turning blue and I couldn't stop shaking her. A crowd had formed. No-one tried to pull me off her, people were just taking pictures or filming.
"You ca-can't ha-ha-have ya fu-fucking straw!" her words were barely audible.
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