The Italian Barbeque
By James Lang
A one act play
The Scene is in Tuscany, it is the summer of 2018 and Italy is going through yet another heat wave. We are in a 400 year old hunting house that is isolated and detached from time. There is a long table with an umbrella and dangling Italian ribbons that ornate the door that leads to the kitchen. The grill is adjacent to the table. It is dusk and to the rear of the scene there is a wild forest in the backdrop. The characters are dressed according to their period.
Actors:
Marie Antoinette (MA), regal and in great form, she is hosting the event.
Thomas Mann (TM): well-dressed, intuitive and calculating, stocky shoulders and sure of himself.
Dante: wearing a long cape and cap, slightly hunched, quick nervous movements and very expressive with his hands.
Milton: a great observer, light on his feet, he likes to hold his chin and pretend to examine things.
John Pence (JP): Grey hair, beady intense eyes, walks around like he is in a parade.
Queen Elizabeth (QE): Big had, ginger on her feet, elegant and queeny.
Virgil: the parking attendant, observant, lonely and bored acts as if destiny has its role.
MA (Wearing a regal gown, her hair made in her famous style)
MA Gentlemen, today is a special evening, Italy has cleared the remains of the Morandi bridge that collapsed in Genoa, and I have invoked the spirits and the powers of my Lord to invite you to celebrate, discuss, eat and drink at this special hunting house in the middle of Tuscany. Here you can express yourselves freely, there are no devices or spies except for the few wild boars that we might hear scrounging around the woods. Regardless, you should know that this slab of beef that I have brought and which we shall grill tonight, comes from a cow that was pasturing under the Morandi bridge at the time of its collapse. Miraculously, although a truck fell on top of it from a height of 55 meters, the cow was found by rescue workers 6 days after the tragedy, unharmed, and the local residents decided to name this cow Santa Mucca. The cow was then given to Marco Airoldi, the director of Benetton, but when Edwin Musk heard about it he flew to Milan and offered 100 of his electric cars in exchange. Airoldi accepted but when he learned that Musk wanted to put the Santa Mucca into his next rocket ship that would orbit Pluto, he pulled out of the deal. He tweeted, “Santa Mucca looking for Marie” probably thinking of Virgin Mary and when I replied he gave the cow to me.
Dante That is so kind Marie. It took a some days to walk to this saintly place and I have left Virgil at the parking to watch my valise. I hope you don’t mind.
MA Tell him there is a chain that he can use to attach you things and he can join us if he wants.
Dante Virgil is too shy, I’m afraid. But if your lost and googlemaps doesn’t work he’s the man to have around.
MA Indeed.
Milton It is an honour to be here too Marie. I’ve been writing so many letters these days that my feathers are running out. It’s good to get a break.
MA Who are you writing to Milton?
Milton Mostly the church. Ever since I published my novel there has been an unending surge of scandals emanating from the church. What’s worse is the cardinals know all about it and they keep it under cover.
Dante More sinners. God as a tool of...
T.M. Power and
MA Persuasion!
So gentlemen, now that you are here there is a decision to make and that is who will cook the meat?
The 3 men in unison, “I will!”
MA Now, now. This must be decided in a civilized way. For example, we could decide by hearing which of you wrote the most about human suffering.
TM Unfair! Dante would likely win and even if he didn’t such a conversation would take days. The meat would go bad by then.
Milton I don’t mind a good debate Thomas, in my day we wouldn’t count days but years.
Dante Then let us decide on who amongst us wrote the most about women.
Milton Oh, I see it coming: Dante, the lover boy crazy about Beatrice, crazy, untouchable, pure love, LOL!
TM (With an exaggerated Italian accent) Oh, Be-atrice, I will go though hell for you!
Milton and Thomas Mann laugh together.
MA Gentlemen! If I were your mother I would say “maléduqué” Now, I remember in the Crystal Palace, if we couldn’t decide on something the King would send us into a labyrinth in the jardin and the first one to get out would be the winner.
TM But there are no labyrinths here my Queen. What if we try paper, scissor, rock?
At this moment the sound of an old gate makes everyone turn around.
MA Mike Pence! How timely! I had given up on you! Just now we were looking for someone to grill this slab of beautiful meat.
MP Howdie y’all, sorry I’m late but I had to memorize the nuclear code for my country. I may be more used to grilling dogs but you give me a grill and Lord I shall come one step closer to heaven.
MA (Handing over the sacred beef) This is no ordinary slab of cow I am giving you Mike, I need you to grill it like you would grill one of your own children.
MP As a loyal person you have my utmost trust my Queen.
Milton I thought you were Vice President of the United States? Why the nuclear code?
MP “Have nuclear code, will travel” is what I say. Fake news! Code or no code I have been calling the shots since day one. Still, I made this trip to Italy to sidestep tweeting and...
Dante Si, this tweeting business has me very intrigued. Today, if I would rewrite the Divina Commedia I would include some tweets.
MP ... and to meet Marie Antoinette. You are a big fan of mine!
MA That’s sweet of you to say so Mike.
TM Where would you introduce a tweet?
Dante In Canto V, where I meet Piero and Francesca.
TM I see, you would have Piero tweet Capaneus what a dead sinner he is!
Dante Not bad Thomas. I think I would rather have Francesca tweet Ugolino telling him how earth and God are without pity. It could go,
“Bad earth, bad God, no pity, whatta shame loser. #Francesca”
Milton I like it, a little clash in a poem creates irony.
MP Just wait a minute! Before I ask where the lighter fluid is, let’s be clear that God has pity and mercy on us all.
Everyone: Are you sure???
MA Now gentlemen, let’s not get carried away. In Tuscany, (nor in Versailles) we don’t have lighter fluid. For years I use these bones with some paper.
MP Bones? Where from?
MA Rabbit paws. They come from my favorite French restaurant, “Chez Mon Lapin”. This is from a dish called “Ailes de lapin” or “Rabbit wings”. These dried bones light a fire faster that you can say “Le silence du people est la leçon du rois.”
(She hands the bones over to MP)
MP I took French in High School Marie and I can tell you there ain’t no silent people today in the U.S. of A.
(He takes the rabbit paws and stokes up a big flame.)
Milton Ladies and Gentlemen, I have to step in. When I arrived on the Continent in my carriage I was watching a Youtube video on a singer who appears very famous.
TM How do you know?
Milton She has a few million hits on her song. The point is it was filmed in the Louvre.
MA They did a song in the Louvre?
Milton Not only are they singing but dancing too! Dancing!
And to top it all, they are all colored.
MA Black people in the Louvre... Mon dieu!
Milton At one point they’re rapping and dancing in front of a favourite painting of mine, “Dante and Virgil in Hell”.
Dante They’re dancing in front of my painting?
Milton Dancing in front of light and shadows, looking hip, just as Virgil looks in control.
Virgil Did someone call my name?
Dante It’s ok Virgil, just keep watching the parking for us.
Milton And then it got me to thinking, watching this video, about when I wrote on fear and silence.
Milton steps into the darknss of the night, takes a deep breath and says,
“In this nightmare that you and I know best
You and all the rest
In this nightmare that you and I confess
You and I regret
The face in the dark cloud haunts me
The safety in silence taunts me
All that I share, indifference at beast
You damaged all intent
For all the sins I've done, I still belong”
MA (Clapping) Bravo, John, Bravo! That was excellent.
Dante You say the safety in silence “taunts me”, yet all your writing
stirred up quite a lot of noise.
Milton There is a need for stirring Dante, when there is a decline in
morality, there’s no need to speak up.
MP (Acting busy cooking the beef over the smoky grill) Thank God
in America we speak up and Tweet up!
TM Not wishing to step into your flames Mike but a society can
make considerable noise yet all that noise or brouhaha can be
just a cloud that obfuscates the issues.
MP Such as?
TM Issues such as racism, sexual orientation, crime to name a few.
Your country is not out of the woods.
MP So you think the noise we make is to avoid dealing with these
issues in a real way?
TM Y es, I do.
MP Have you got an example.
TM You use religion, Mike, to override all these issues.
MP (Making an effort to flip the beef) And you think you’re a saint?
TM If you read “Death in Vensie” then you know I am not a saint.
Dante A sensational novel. The boy was so pretty!
Milton There’s so much tension and drama.
MA You describe the boy like a girl...
TM Thank you gentlemen, my Lady, it was the most difficult novel I
ever wrote. How can a man, feel love for a young boy who is
coming of age and yet still has such delicate feature of a young
woman?
MP But that’s revolting! Have mercy on your sinful soul! (sticking a
fork into the meat) Marie! Marie! I think it’s ready!
MA Mike, Mike, (taking the large slab of beef over to the table), this
is so moving. Did I tell you that this is a Genovese cow that
was found from under the collapsed Morandi bridge?
MP I read a tweet from Milton before I arrived. I know all about it.
Her name was Santa something. Now, we were talking...
MA Mucca. Good. We still need to check to see if it’s not too raw
inside.
MP It is a thick, thick slab M’am, even for Indiana standards.
MA Mike, you told me I could trust you to make it right.
MP Yes, your majesty. It’s just I would feel a little more comfortable
if I could cut it in two...
MA No cutting! It has to be done in one piece, am I understood?
MP (Looking around the table for support) Yes of course. I’ll sear it
just like in Indiana and that’s the truth. (He runs back to the bbq
with the beef.)
MA That’s why you’re here Mike, because we need you to cook it
until the inside is a juicy blue red colour.
MP (Almost choking and looking blue red in the face) Blue red! I
can make it red, my Queen but you’re talking to a proud
Republican who is all red and cooks red too.
Everyone in surprise: “Ohhhhhhhhh ohh ahhhhhhh”
Milton Are you implying that you won’t do blue cold washing laundry
cycles? That you avoid looking at the sea or the sky because
it’s blue?
Another sound of the gate is heard and the voice of a woman speaks to Virgil. The sound of her approaching footsteps in the darkness approaches slowly. Queen Elizabeth appears wearing
a large green hat and walks with a cane.
MA Queen Elizabeth, I’m so glad you made it!
QE I’m sorry I’m late Marie, I was so involved with my gospel
singing lesson that I completely forgot the time. Have you all
finished eating?
MA Not at all. I’m afraid this dinner is running late and Mike is
struggling to bbq the beef.
Milton Let me shake your hand your highness. It is such an honour to
meet you. I’m...
QE I know who you are John Milton. (Tilting forward with her big
hat) Marie told me about all the guests including the one at the
BBQ.
Milton Let me just say it again, “it is an honour”.
TM It is an honour for me too your highness, and I must say I am
impressed that you are taking up gospel.
QE When Harry married Meghan at Saint George’s Church, I got
tuned into that American gospel, I couldn’t believe how they
belted out with so much sincerity and love. Mike, you’ll
probably like to know I’ve learned a lot from you people –
though not exactly you people. And now my gut needs a good
stuffing, so where’s the beef Mike?
MP Coming up soon everyone!
MA I sure hope so. It’s nearly 11pm. (Then she walks over to the
BBQ.) You called that cooked Mike? If this were your election I
would say “You are cooked”.
MP I’m trying Marie, but the fire ain’t as hot anymore. Maybe those
rabbit paw bones burnt too fast.
Dante
Them rabbit paws
Ain’t so bourgoise
I eat them with fork
And
Chainsaws.
Everyone: Bravo!
TM That’s what this BBQ needs, more poetry.
Milton
When Lucifer is hungry
He gets a monkey
To steal a cow from a
Greek rugby team.
Then he licks his chops
Viral fire burns in his eyes.
TM Why Greek?
Milton I donno. They lost things. The Greeks fell to the Romans, their
banks crumbled, didn’t they? Hey Mike, is the beef ready in this
millennial or next?
QE I think Mike’s distracted. He’s been looking at Thomas’ derriere
every time he walks by.
MP You got it wrong Queeny. It’s Thomas who’s looking at my hot
ass and not the other way around!
Everyone: We want the beef!
TM So you’re admitting you have a hot ass.
MP My ass is as red hot as God conceived it.
Milton My silence can no longer be withheld. Beef or no beef, Queens or no Queens, there is a darkness descending this evening on this very little hunting house in Tuscany.
TM & Dante I feel the darkness too.
Milton What frightens me most is when Mike will take the beef off the grill and serve it.
MA What do you think will happen?
Milton Blue red blood will spray all over the landscape, all of Italy and then all of the world will be covered with blood!
Dante Do you mean this beef is percolating like the fires in hell?
QE Do you expect me to believe that your Lucifer will appear and say, "Not bloody enough?"
TM Let’s get on with it and cut the bloody thing!
Everyone gathers around as Mike Pence cuts the beef.
MP This is redder than red Marie.
MA Yes it’s red, but where’s the blue?
Dante Such redness reminds me when...
Milton Did you hear that?
Everyone is silent, listening.
Milton It’s an owl in the tree.
TM Y es I hear it.
MP Me too.
QE The last owl we had in Westminster Cathedral flew out from a tree and dropped a bloody mouse right before my white shoes.
MA What was the occasion?
QE That was Lady Di’s wedding. I suppose it was an omen. I haven’t told anyone about it for years. It was only half of the mouse, the head was missing.
TM How horrible! Owls are beautiful but vicious creatures.
MP Unless you sound like Cardy B.
Everyone: Whaaat?
QE OK Mike, what’s the point?
Dante You know Cardi B your majesty?
QE She hot Dante. You would like her.
MP She says “OKuuuuuurrk!!” Sounds like an owl to me.
QE She makes a lot of “shmoney” but she sounds more like a turkey if you ask me.
MP Let’s get Virgil to finish the BBQ, I got a rap song for everyone!
Everyone gets together for the song, Mike takes the lead:
(Song attributed to Cadi B (Drip, Feat, Migos)
Came bloody drippin' (drip drip)
Came bloody drippin' (drip drip)
Came bloody drippin' (drip drip)
Diamonds on my wrist, they drippin'
My cow is drippin' (drip drip)
My cow is drippin' (drip drip)
She called Santa Mucca (drip drip)
Fell down the bridge, drippin' rubies
Came bloody drippin' (drip drip)
Came bloody drippin' (drip drip)
Came bloody drippin' my meat (drip drip)
BBQ sauce on my spoon, they drippin'
Came bloody drippin' my meat (drip drip)
Came bloody drippin' meat (drip drip)
Santa Mucca drippin’ (drip drip)
BBQ sauce on my spoon
Give my steak something to remember (Cardi!)
Tryna make BBQ LOVE
Wanna Love my Beef
My Genoa Steak ain't quick to grill
My Genoa steak (go)
Grillin’ and flippin'
Weeeeeyoooock!
like a right swipe on Tinder (woo)
Tinder is Tender
and so is my steak (woah)
Light up my fire using those rabbit paws (dough)
And my BBQ is flippin'
Chorus:
Y
ou’re the hottest steak in all of Tuscany
So hot the perfume got Pinocchio’s puppetry
You wear your slippers when u BBQ
It’s cause ya name’s Cardi B
And you can fuck your tender loins.
Came bloody drippin' my meat (drip drip)
BBQ sauce on my spoon, they drippin'
Came bloody drippin' my meat (drip drip)
Came bloody drippin' meat (drip drip)
Santa Mucca drippin’ (drip drip)
BBQ sauce on my spoon
Give my steak something to remember (Cardi!)
Tryna make BBQ LOVE
Wanna Love my Beef, I don't want it RAW!
My Genoa Steak ain't quick to grill my Genoa steak (go)
Grillin’ like a right swipe on Tinder (woo)
Tinder is Tender and so is my steak (woah)
Light up my fire using those rabbit paws (dough)
Chorus:
N
ow this steak is so gushy it’s all mushy!
And the diamonds on her Maserati
Going yucky she wanna eat that blue red meat (right now baby)
She wanna eat that blue red meat (that cow had rabies)
Get down!
Fuck ya' Marie Antoinette and dat hair (right now)
Fuck ya Genoa Bridge and tunnel meat (right now)
Cardi B gonna take Lucifer to strip
He gonna drive till he goes “drip, drip drip”
My beef ain’t gushy or mushy
Cause I’m Cardi B, an don’t ya touch my tushy!
End of Play
