EPRS (Emergency Phone Rescue Service)

 

FEMA has decided to create a new agency, the EPRS or Emergency Phone Rescue Service, pronounced "Ehpurrs".  If your phone is lost in a hurricane, earthquake, nuclear meltdown or other, EPRS will send out a specially trained team to recover it. 

EPURS is the first emergency rescue service to train duckbill platypus to recover phones.

"It was suggested at a meeting a few years ago and most of us didn't take it seriously" said Conrad Jeffries, the head of EPRS. However, we quickly learned to appreciate its slim body and duckbill beak which made it ideal in recovering phones in tight spots. To top it it's a great swimmer... the results have been amazing."

Back

I never broke my back

But Back back back

I once tried taking a wheelbarrow to

Move memories 

Forward only to see the 

Tire looking flat.

Howz your back?

Back when

In a Frida Kahlo  painting 

Her broken back intact

Unhealing

Not an act for anyone toI enact 

Today my crunched back flies with

The bats

And Rats

Cozy up to gnaw

On nerve endings 

How sweet

In a forest an Alpha leader of a wolf pack

Howls and 

Howls

Nearby fluttering bats squeak

Ultrasound waiting for

Echos to resound back

-No questions asked, if it's your snack.

Today I hear 39 taps

On the dark cold window pane

Dancing taps from white moths

Bouncing off my window

I stretch my neck like a flamingo

Remembering childhood fears of 

Turning off all the lights.

 

Tupperware in Cyprus

 

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• There is no Tupperware in Cyprus

It's not because of a retrovirus

Evidence states

Tupperware parties didn't take

On the island of Cyprus

Where they love to bake

Sheftali - a wrap  of its own 

And legend goes a song too

"Sheftali, sheftali

I love you cause you have no brocoli"

Makarios once said,

"Without Sheftali, I'd be dead and 

we would still be eating fish and chips".

Tupperware parties didn't take on Cyprus

Women's rights perhaps were at stake

And selling a plastic container with a double sealed lid

Could have upset El Sid

You say, the amphora was fine for Afelia,

It's not just memorabilia 

Both men and women used amphoras

Dressed in photogenic agora

Never giving a middle finger to Ankara

"We don't want no fucking Tupperware"

Echoed the Cypriots from 

Famagusta to Paphos

Our Sheftalies, Souvia and Fasolada

Is fresh as any Muslim or Christian may confess

Could all that Polypropylene 

add any dopamine to the Cyprus Scene?

Confess Cyprus, confess!

There is no Tupperware on this island

And you will miss it

Forever SMS.

Pig Sardines

Could Sardines come from pigs?

Chance, a black labrador, was having a dream

True, his belly was full chappagetti

(A Korean noodle dish rich in pork) and

Sardine leftovers that Sammy, his master's 9 year old

Secretly let him slurp up under the table during a formal dinner 

Party the night before.

Chance was in a trance: he rolled over on his back

And imagined he was swimming with sardines

And pigs

And pigs and sardines together 

His stomach had surrendered when

He remembered his mother Celine with her green eyes

She woofed joyfully when he crossed a stream at the age of 13 months.

But she said: "Never eat sardine, dogs don't need Omega 5."

Shaken, Chance rubbed his nose onto the carpet

He could still smell the pork and sardines that had dripped into the fabric

His brain went spinning, almost out of control

If only he had a washbowl with a slice of lemon

He could clean his paws.

 

Weird

Weird has been around, Dr. Demento on KPPC FM started in 1970

Still we must ask: "Are we getting weirder or is

Weird getting weirder?"

And, "How weird can weird get?"

Would you auction

An old man's beard?

Would you profiteer from a

Bioengineer making durable toothbrushes?

Could you give away a Dali painting 'cause the 

Sheep have folded bat ears?

That's weird.

Radiohead's infamous Creep wasn't weird but

"Weirdo"

A personal first person pronoun rant

Displaying a character expelled from the Heavens for

He shall have no chance to shoot a Cupid arrow of love

Ya gotta be SPECIAL for that.

Still, if you had a concerto of weirdos

They would cancel each other out

Becoming dull, familiar, just regular run of the mill

So how can you be SPECIAL and not weird?

Start by taking off that awful veneer.

Weird fishes

I get eaten by the worms
And weird fishes
Picked over by the worms
And weird fishes
Weird fishes
Weird fishes

Hah

This poem is inspired from when I sent a comic to my nephew showing a gang of gangsters who were thinking about going to the Supreme Court to see if perhaps their next heist was legal. I was expecting a resounding "Hah hah" but my nephew texted back with a single "Hah!"

Hah!

This was no blah blah

Hah! A first look at the Mona Lisa

Hah hah!

To the student who wore shorts breaking a sacred dress code.

This Hah! came after

Grandma 

Who cut herself with a chainsaw!

Born in Warsaw

She was better with an axe

She taught me how to eat flax

Ahah!

Jakup, her grandson was surprised

Babunia, he called her 

"How can you see with that hair in your eyes?"

Hah! 

"And cut a tree at the same time?" 

Hah!

Then Babunia wiped the blood off her arm, pulled the starter cord

That went

Rah-ta-ta-tah!!!

Darwin Jr. and the Evolution of the Doughnut