Props: A Helm, Sailor shirts, a bucket of water, doughnuts in a metal box
Narrator introduces scene. We are on the SS Gregory off the coast of Rhode Island. It is November 1836 and the weather has turned for the worse. Captain Gregory is at the helm with Dyrck Van Den Dyrck, his trustworthy Dutch Mate.
"Although this is a historical reenactment of the birth of the first doughnut, some name and or events have been changed. A ressemblance to actual facts may be purely coincidental."
ACT I
Dyreck Van Den Dyrck (Or DVDD) : Captain, the weather is souring, I mind you, you need to take care! There are rock all over this New England coast.
Captain Gregory: You're right. This ship is swaying so much I feel like I drunk several six packs.
DVDD: You have. Don't you remember last night?
Captain Gregory: That doesn't count Dyreck, what does count is that we've been sailing for two weeks and I've never been so hungry.
DVDD: I hear you, or as we say, "Om te horen". I too am sick of eating those salted sardines.
Captain Gregory: You know something?
DVDD: What?
Captain Gregory: I completely forgot that my mother gave me some of her sweets.
DVDD: Are you kidding? You mean we've been nearly starving all this time and you have you mother's famous delicious pastries on board?
Captain Gregory: Look at the bright side Dyreck. They're made with nuts. Something new. She calls them "Doughnuts".
DVDD: Hark! What a good name, Haa! Once this storm is over lets eat them.
Captain Gregory: Are you kidding. Lets eat them now. The crew is sheltering. We can have them all for ourselves. Go to my cabin, there's a blue box next to my bible.
DVDD: OK, but you know it's not wise to be snacking whilst this storm may blow us over.
Captain Gregory: I said to get them. That's an order!
Dyreck leaves and comes back with the box. Captain Gregory sings a song by Cardie-B, Drip Drip Drip
The storm gets more intense and Captain Gregory has trouble standing.
Captain Gregory: I'm going to have to dig into that Dutch courage to deal with this Hulking storm Mate.
Can u give me that box?
DVDD hands it over. Captain Gregory carefully pulls out a Doughnut -which has no hole in it.
Captain Gregory: Aye Ayee Lad! Now this is real Polyunsaturated treat!
DVDD: Yes, it looks glorious, Captain.
Captain Gregory: Glorious indeed. Holding the doughnut to the sky, "May the Flying Ductchmen bless yey here doughnut, bless and be blessed!
The ship lurches and the doughnut is punctured by the Captain's thumb.
Captain Gregory: AYE AYE!
DVDD: Captain, you made a hole in the doughnut!
Captain Gregory: I'm not blind, son, (holding the punctured doughnut up with his thumb),
DVDD: Laughing
Captain Gregory: Why are you laughing???
DVDD: Aye, aye, Captain, yur soo funny. The doughnut's got a hole in it!
Captain Gregory: Y'ur right. (He takes 2 and pretends to look through them like a telescope.
DVDD: Captain, watch them rocks!!!
DVDD takes a bucket and empties it in the Captain's direction.
END OF ACT I
ACT II
Props: white smocks, microscope, jigsaw (scie sauteuse) knives and pins.
Narrator: It's 2025 and Krspy Kreme is developing a secret doughnut 80 meters underground.
Its researchers are on a race to establish a transinspirational connectin of Villaceau forms between bagels and doughnuts. The sight is considered safe, yet bunker busting GBU-57 AB bombs, with their laser guidance, are considered capable of making the holes of the "Dobagel" even largers, experts say.
Dr. Turchi is doing a "Dogagel" dissection with Dr. Lang.
Dr. Turhi: Do you notice, Dr. the firmness of the Dobagel?
Dr. Lang:Yes, it has to be firm. Just remember, marketing says...
Dr. Turchi: I don't care what marketing says. The Dobagel is our invention. Nobody can take her away from us.
Dr Lang: Dr Turchi, we want Doughnut and Bagel lovers to opt for a Dobagel. But why the her pronoun?
Dr. Turchi: She, she is everything we have dreamed possible. She is the St. Michal of the Virgin Mary.
Dr Lang: And if "she" is Trans?
Dr. Truchi: Stop being so woke, will you?
Dr Turchi takes a jigsaw and cuts the doughnut in half.
Dr. Turchi; Do u see how the hole reacts?
Dr. Lang: Yes I do, just like in the bagel. Are you sure we are safe here?
Dr. Turchi: Them bunker busters can't pierce granite, and we have a 2m concrete wall that will protect us in case. Why are you so worried?
Dr Lang If the Dobagel recipe is stolen by the competition, we are fried. Since they know we take precautions, they prefer to eliminate the brains behind this research.
Poem/Song on bunker busters
If you have a great idea
And you know its better than all of Judea
Get a Bunker buster
If you're son has gone woke
And he's evoking that THEY pronoun
Get a Bunker Buster
If AI has put your face in a Deep fake
And made you say things that you regret for your first date
Get a Bunker Buster
If your dream to acquire Greenland has gone bust
Even though you had the cash for the Hinterland
Get a Bunker Buster.
ACT III
Two generals are planning the deployment of the bunker busters to eliminate the Dobagel project.
Colonel Cluster: General Adjustor, are you ready for the Bunker Buster?
General Adjustor: Colonel Cluster, you know as well as I, Krispy Kreme can't
go forward with their Dobagel.
Colonel Cluster. When we're finished with them General, there's going to be so much Kreme
sprayed over the Everest, them mountain climbers will be licking their way to the top.
General Adjustor Your so sick I love ya Colonel. "Ping!"
Colonel Cluster What was that?
General Adjustor Just a message from my Whatsapp.
Colonel Cluster I thought yous was banned from that App.
General Adjustor: Dig this: on the terms of service it says you ain't allowed to deliver arms of mass destruction. Ever hear shit like that?
Colonel Cluster That is gnarly General.
General Adjustor It took me 6 months of emails "on my knees", and finally some Bot let me back on the platform. Any precautions we need to take for this mission?
Colonel Cluster Make sure the pilots of the B2 bombers keep it clean.
General Adjustor You mean over secure lines, how they talk?
Colonel Cluster Exactly. Just what happened with you. AI's in charge, even if a pilot talks about how he was mean to his dog, AI could shut down the mission.
General Adjustor I get it. We're dropping 8 Bunker Busters Colonel Cluster, gonna blast the Dobagel enrichment project into smithereens, Colonel Cluster, Colonel Cluster, you hear me?
MUSIC, end of ACT III
