dimanche 10 décembre 2017

New female film roles

After Lord of the Flies has successfully been recast using only young girls, a few other male producers have decided to remake films such as Rambo, Apocolypse Now, A Fistfull of Dollars,Seven Samurai and others, are taking the same approach. Here are a few scenes from the following rewritten films.

Humphrey Bogart in Maltese Falcon is recast with Miley Cyrus, a tough, attractive detective. When Spade (Miss Cyrus) meets Joel Cairo (Peter Lorre) who offers her $5,000 to find the black falcon, Spade starts twerking so fast that Cairo falls unconscious allowing her to go through his belongings.

Clint Eastwood, in A Fistfull of Dollars, will be replaced by Taylor Swift, who in the final dual scene will be sporting a Mexican poncho and two knitting pins in her hair. Taylor shoots and stabs the last of the Rojo brothers (Sieghardt Rupp played by Kate McKinnon) with a knitting pin through the neck. Then, puffing on an electric cigarette she counts the bodies that will offer her a handsome reward.

In Apocalypse Now, Marlon Brando who played Colonel Krunz is replaced by Beyonce, the queen herself. She bathes in a Dante's Inferno hot bath with soothing salts from the Heart of Darkness. Tension mounts until she forces Willard and other prisoners to bring intoxicating amounts of carrot and red beet juice. The juice has so affected Willard's skin (Willard is played by Lady Gaga) that she goes diving in the rat infested river looking for her telephone. Then she gets out, punches Krunz's 6 pack belly, breaking her nails and yelling 'Mirror, mirror on the wall, you're an ugly, mean bitch!"

Ramba, played by Katy Perry, returns to a small town in the state of Washington after spending 10 years competing on TV baking shows. She goes to see an old pastry chef friend only to find out that he had died from a rare form of bacteria caused by using massive doses of whip cream. She feels riddled with guilt knowing that this was the first man who taught her how to whip an egg. In a diner, she runs into a sheriff Will Teasle (Brian Dennehy is replaced by Aidy Bryant) who is balling out a waitress (now a waiter played by Kevin Spacey) because he/she dislikes the lemon meringue pie. Ramba gets ups and stuffs the remaining pie down the sheriff's throat. A thrilling chase scene ensues where Ramba, (Miss Perry sporting a camouflage miniskirt) runs to the woods. The following scene is perhaps the greatest woman hunt chase scene in film history: officers and helicopters in the hundreds swarm to catch or kill Ramba but, using her advanced pastry skills she takes them down one by one. Finally, the helicopter with sheriff Teasle spots her and just as Teasle points her M16 to shoot her (the scene is in the dark but the officers have infrared gear), Ramba pulls out a giant canister of whip cream and from 20 feet shoots a wad into the face of the pilot causing him to loose control and crash in the burning forest.

More films are certainly to follow such as Dirty Harry which will be called Dirty Harieta and Death of a Salesman now Saleswoman.

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