dimanche 30 décembre 2012

Friendship Prison

"Why have you not a friend? What Friend Game or Frenemy are you playing?"
With these words from the Warden I stiffly moved through the corridor to serve
Five years in Friendship Prison.

                                               Train taking me to Friendship Jail

I was guilty. I committed Friend Crime. (Less than three friends, the sentence was harsh.)
Doctors said I could be trigger happy.
But when I told the guard in Friendship Prison
My Mate killed his Mom despite having Four Friends and a Best Friend
I got slapped in the face.

The first weeks were tough:
I had to walk in the courtyard for twenty minutes holding hands 
Then my blood pressure was taken and if it was still high I needed to hold hands for another twenty.

My new friend was Bromio.
He waxed a mustache and wore jeans pulled above his flat hips.
When his dog died (which counted half a friend) a Friendship Drone picked him up.
I didn't trust him.
He said he milked cows but his skin was too smooth for my liking.

Once a week I have psychological tests.
I'm shown ink blotches that resemble guns and my blood pressure is checked to see if it goes up.
After two months I was caught for talking about my divorce and gossiping.
Divorce talk is against Code and one gets another year for that.
Gossiping is punished by Friendship Confinement
You have to spend one week in a cell with five Mates
Holding hands and playing games is obligatory
No sex, of course.
And once a day there is the hotdog. The guards hand you a hotdog and each night, with a different Mate, you have to eat it from both sides. No kissing and the cameras are there.

Then I got in more trouble: I made a poster with six guys holding hands with an orange sunset as the backdrop. I unfortunately used the word "teamwork" and that was on the black list.
"Mutual affection, trust, sympathy or empathy would have done it, maybe even gotten me on Friendship Parole or Friendshipbation, whatever, it just didn't happen; wasn't in the cards.


It's now year six. I've made eight new friends but I have to go through a series of Friend Tests to see if they conform to regulations. I'm feeling good about it. I heard, thanks to this program, the Crime Rate in America has dropped to zero, homicides included! Maybe when I get out I'll apply to become a Friend Police Officer. Or just a dog trainer.

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