dimanche 25 février 2018

The Codfather meets the Snowboard Queen

He was head of the New England fisheries
She was a defrocked gold medalist

He sold his fish for cash
Circumventing a complex system of cod quotas
Labeling the fish as Haddock

She was a snowboard specialist who loved speed and wax
In 1998 she was about to take the gold in the cross competition when
She grabbed her ski on the last jump
She grabbed it for show but
Wiped out getting
Snow in her mouth instead of Gold

Carlos Rafael, the Codfather, bragged in front of two IRS undercover agents posing as
Russian Mafia buyers
How he brought in tons of Cod and made millions selling them illegally.
He bragged and bragged thinking the IRS couldn't be so savvy as to hire Russians
To investigate a fish empire.
But he was wrong.

Lindsey Jacobellis, 12 years later, sitting in front of her house with her dog Gigi,
Knows that she ain't fishing for the gold no more but
There's a non-stop loop in her head and if it weren't for Denise
Her mental coach performance architect
She's be stuck in that race and the millions of mocking mails she received since.

Lindsey and Carlos met at the National Portrait Gallery
In front of the new portraits depicting former president Obama and his wife Michelle

Lindsey was looking at Barak's leafy background that appeared like an overgrowing texture
Ready to envelop the former leader of the free world

Carlos was looking at Michelle, his eyes were lost somewhere in her dress that
Any young tot would wish to hide under

Their eyes crossed and Carlos blurted "what a nice dress you have" even though Lindsey was wearing a skirt "If he ate more codfish I bet his hair wouldn't be so grey" he added.

Lindsey found Carlos funny. They went to a fish restaurant and shortly after, on his invitation, they
got on a plane to Pyeong Chang to see the 2018 winter olympics.


Knut Nystad is known as the Waxman. He heads a team of 30 Norwegian wax people who take
an oath to become invisible and inscrutable to the press and the public at large. Lindsey and the Codfather ran into the Waxman at a bar on Solbong-Ro street. It was bustling 'cause the weather was sub-freezing outside.

"Nobody complements a dishwasher for scrubbing clean a whole night's worth of plates" Knut insisted, "that's what makes us invisible." said Knut with a smooth Norwegian accent. Then he took out a q-tip, cleaned his ear and sucked it between his lips. From the bar Knut invites the couple to the multi-million dollar Norwegian wax shop. Inside, people are busy caressing the bottom of skis and the Codfather's eyes sparkle in front of the myriad of waxes. He is thinking of a way to fatten his cod by waxing them so they would stay warmer and burn less calories.

"Fish oil is good for outdoor clothes and Chinese umbrellas but I wouldn't think of waxing up them fish even for a competition." said Knut but Lindsey just laughed it off and said he was such a "good fellow."

Suddenly an alarm went off in the grinding room and everyone could feel the earth shaking as 230 North Korean cheerleaders marched by the shack. They were chanting and twirling in the minus 22 degree atmosphere and pulling 230 identical red carry-on bags.

Knut opened the door and immediately felt his nostrils fill with an exotic scent, so profuse, so exotic it took his brain a minute to cogitate what it was: it had a touch of earthly tar and a hint of a nuclear underground reaction with a tinge of torture room screams. And yet as those beautiful lipsticked girls marched and sang in unison in front of the wax shop, Lindsey stood spilling a drink she had brought with her from the bar as she stared at what she thought was Mrs Um and Mike Pence walking side by side. But what really surprised her was to see Lindsey Vaughn just behind the close-lipped couple with 20 or more photographers following her and taking rapid fire shots of the Olympic star.

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